Lorem

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for i in {1..500}; do  printf "\n## $i \n\n" >> index.md ;  fortune >> index.md ; done

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Sagittis eu volutpat odio facilisis. Eget mauris pharetra et ultrices neque. Viverra nibh cras pulvinar mattis. Aliquam nulla facilisi cras fermentum. Pulvinar etiam non quam lacus suspendisse faucibus interdum posuere. Amet facilisis magna etiam tempor orci. Lacinia quis vel eros donec ac odio tempor. Leo duis ut diam quam nulla porttitor. Duis ultricies lacus sed turpis tincidunt id aliquet. Risus viverra adipiscing at in. Suspendisse ultrices gravida dictum fusce ut. Morbi tristique senectus et netus. Massa sapien faucibus et molestie ac feugiat sed. Faucibus nisl tincidunt eget nullam non. Diam sit amet nisl suscipit adipiscing bibendum est. Mauris cursus mattis molestie a iaculis at erat pellentesque. Mattis vulputate enim nulla aliquet porttitor lacus.

Tincidunt vitae semper quis lectus nulla. Eu volutpat odio facilisis mauris sit amet massa. Nulla facilisi etiam dignissim diam quis enim lobortis. Eu tincidunt tortor aliquam nulla facilisi cras fermentum odio. Nisi porta lorem mollis aliquam. Pellentesque adipiscing commodo elit at imperdiet dui accumsan. Faucibus vitae aliquet nec ullamcorper sit amet risus. Augue neque gravida in fermentum et sollicitudin ac orci. Sed cras ornare arcu dui vivamus arcu felis bibendum. Sit amet luctus venenatis lectus magna fringilla urna.

Feugiat sed lectus vestibulum mattis ullamcorper velit sed ullamcorper morbi. Nunc vel risus commodo viverra. Rhoncus aenean vel elit scelerisque mauris. Vitae aliquet nec ullamcorper sit amet risus. Commodo quis imperdiet massa tincidunt nunc pulvinar sapien. In egestas erat imperdiet sed euismod nisi. Enim nunc faucibus a pellentesque. Accumsan in nisl nisi scelerisque eu. Non curabitur gravida arcu ac tortor dignissim convallis aenean et. Ultrices vitae auctor eu augue ut lectus arcu. At elementum eu facilisis sed odio morbi quis commodo. Ipsum suspendisse ultrices gravida dictum fusce ut placerat. Consequat id porta nibh venenatis cras sed felis eget velit. Integer quis auctor elit sed vulputate mi. Sapien nec sagittis aliquam malesuada bibendum arcu vitae. Malesuada fames ac turpis egestas sed tempus urna et pharetra. Magnis dis parturient montes nascetur ridiculus mus. Risus quis varius quam quisque id diam vel quam elementum. At ultrices mi tempus imperdiet nulla malesuada pellentesque elit.

Amet nisl suscipit adipiscing bibendum. Sed cras ornare arcu dui vivamus arcu. Varius morbi enim nunc faucibus a pellentesque. Scelerisque fermentum dui faucibus in ornare quam viverra. In hendrerit gravida rutrum quisque non tellus orci ac. Augue mauris augue neque gravida in fermentum et sollicitudin ac. Purus in mollis nunc sed id semper risus. Dignissim suspendisse in est ante in nibh mauris cursus mattis. Sed faucibus turpis in eu mi bibendum neque egestas congue. Quisque egestas diam in arcu cursus. Molestie a iaculis at erat pellentesque adipiscing commodo. Adipiscing at in tellus integer feugiat scelerisque varius morbi.

Quisque id diam vel quam elementum pulvinar etiam non. Et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas maecenas pharetra. Posuere sollicitudin aliquam ultrices sagittis. Diam maecenas ultricies mi eget. Aliquam etiam erat velit scelerisque in dictum non consectetur. Viverra adipiscing at in tellus. Nunc pulvinar sapien et ligula. Viverra justo nec ultrices dui. Nulla facilisi morbi tempus iaculis urna id. Ultrices gravida dictum fusce ut placerat. Nulla aliquet enim tortor at auctor. Ipsum a arcu cursus vitae congue mauris rhoncus aenean vel. At auctor urna nunc id cursus metus. Ac orci phasellus egestas tellus.

Purus gravida quis blandit turpis. Facilisi morbi tempus iaculis urna id. Amet facilisis magna etiam tempor orci eu lobortis elementum. Cursus eget nunc scelerisque viverra mauris in aliquam sem fringilla. Id velit ut tortor pretium viverra suspendisse potenti nullam ac. Volutpat maecenas volutpat blandit aliquam etiam. Sed libero enim sed faucibus turpis in. Purus viverra accumsan in nisl nisi scelerisque eu. Dignissim convallis aenean et tortor at. At tempor commodo ullamcorper a lacus. Cras sed felis eget velit aliquet. Et magnis dis parturient montes nascetur ridiculus mus.

Aliquam etiam erat velit scelerisque in dictum non. Amet consectetur adipiscing elit duis tristique sollicitudin nibh sit. Ornare suspendisse sed nisi lacus sed viverra. Sit amet est placerat in egestas erat imperdiet sed. Vulputate dignissim suspendisse in est ante in nibh mauris. Nisl pretium fusce id velit ut. Vestibulum lorem sed risus ultricies. Eu lobortis elementum nibh tellus molestie nunc non blandit massa. Libero justo laoreet sit amet. Massa tincidunt nunc pulvinar sapien et ligula ullamcorper malesuada proin. Nec tincidunt praesent semper feugiat nibh sed. Dui ut ornare lectus sit amet est. Amet volutpat consequat mauris nunc congue nisi vitae suscipit tellus. Cras fermentum odio eu feugiat pretium. Et magnis dis parturient montes nascetur ridiculus mus mauris. Eget aliquet nibh praesent tristique. Scelerisque viverra mauris in aliquam sem fringilla ut. Magna eget est lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetur adipiscing.

Turpis egestas sed tempus urna et pharetra pharetra massa. Feugiat pretium nibh ipsum consequat nisl vel pretium lectus. Ac feugiat sed lectus vestibulum mattis ullamcorper velit sed. Elementum facilisis leo vel fringilla. At augue eget arcu dictum varius duis at consectetur lorem. Neque volutpat ac tincidunt vitae semper quis lectus nulla at. Hendrerit dolor magna eget est lorem. Suspendisse ultrices gravida dictum fusce ut placerat orci. Urna neque viverra justo nec ultrices. Mauris in aliquam sem fringilla ut morbi. Tortor condimentum lacinia quis vel eros. Amet justo donec enim diam vulputate ut pharetra. Adipiscing at in tellus integer feugiat scelerisque varius.

Metus aliquam eleifend mi in nulla posuere. Diam ut venenatis tellus in metus vulputate. Ac felis donec et odio pellentesque diam volutpat commodo. Aliquam sem et tortor consequat id porta nibh venenatis. Egestas egestas fringilla phasellus faucibus scelerisque eleifend donec pretium. Tellus integer feugiat scelerisque varius morbi. Integer quis auctor elit sed vulputate mi sit amet mauris. Ac turpis egestas maecenas pharetra convallis posuere. Enim sed faucibus turpis in eu mi bibendum. Turpis in eu mi bibendum neque egestas.

At volutpat diam ut venenatis tellus in. Porttitor massa id neque aliquam vestibulum morbi blandit cursus risus. Pellentesque elit ullamcorper dignissim cras tincidunt lobortis feugiat vivamus at. Sodales ut eu sem integer vitae justo eget. Eget est lorem ipsum dolor sit. Donec adipiscing tristique risus nec feugiat in fermentum posuere. Convallis convallis tellus id interdum velit laoreet id donec ultrices. Sit amet luctus venenatis lectus. Accumsan tortor posuere ac ut consequat semper viverra nam libero. Purus viverra accumsan in nisl nisi. Quis imperdiet massa tincidunt nunc pulvinar sapien. Non quam lacus suspendisse faucibus interdum posuere. Vestibulum mattis ullamcorper velit sed. Ultrices mi tempus imperdiet nulla malesuada pellentesque elit eget gravida.

Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus. Et ultrices neque ornare aenean. Nulla at volutpat diam ut. Sed libero enim sed faucibus turpis in. Et netus et malesuada fames ac. Iaculis urna id volutpat lacus laoreet. Facilisi cras fermentum odio eu. Gravida quis blandit turpis cursus in hac habitasse. Augue ut lectus arcu bibendum at varius vel pharetra. Quis hendrerit dolor magna eget. Nec dui nunc mattis enim ut tellus elementum sagittis vitae. Vitae tortor condimentum lacinia quis vel eros donec. At tempor commodo ullamcorper a lacus. Fringilla urna porttitor rhoncus dolor purus non enim praesent. Euismod lacinia at quis risus sed vulputate odio ut enim. Mauris commodo quis imperdiet massa tincidunt nunc pulvinar sapien et. Purus in massa tempor nec.

Lectus proin nibh nisl condimentum id venenatis a condimentum. Ultrices vitae auctor eu augue ut lectus. Pretium quam vulputate dignissim suspendisse in est ante in. Blandit massa enim nec dui nunc mattis enim ut. Sed felis eget velit aliquet sagittis id consectetur. Enim eu turpis egestas pretium aenean pharetra magna ac placerat. Ac turpis egestas maecenas pharetra convallis posuere morbi leo. Nec dui nunc mattis enim ut tellus elementum. Elit duis tristique sollicitudin nibh sit amet commodo nulla facilisi. Vulputate dignissim suspendisse in est ante. At urna condimentum mattis pellentesque id nibh. Lectus urna duis convallis convallis tellus. Viverra aliquet eget sit amet tellus cras adipiscing enim.

Diam maecenas ultricies mi eget mauris pharetra et ultrices neque. Nunc aliquet bibendum enim facilisis gravida neque convallis a. Quam quisque id diam vel quam elementum pulvinar etiam non. Eros donec ac odio tempor orci dapibus ultrices in. Cras ornare arcu dui vivamus. Id porta nibh venenatis cras sed felis eget velit aliquet. Tortor at auctor urna nunc id cursus metus. Mattis aliquam faucibus purus in. Lacus laoreet non curabitur gravida arcu ac tortor dignissim convallis. Lectus sit amet est placerat in. Massa sapien faucibus et molestie ac feugiat sed lectus.

Facilisis volutpat est velit egestas dui id. Imperdiet nulla malesuada pellentesque elit eget gravida cum. Ipsum suspendisse ultrices gravida dictum fusce ut. Eleifend donec pretium vulputate sapien nec. Ut consequat semper viverra nam libero justo laoreet sit. Netus et malesuada fames ac turpis. Mauris a diam maecenas sed enim ut sem. Massa sapien faucibus et molestie ac. Pretium nibh ipsum consequat nisl vel pretium lectus quam. Rutrum tellus pellentesque eu tincidunt. Tincidunt praesent semper feugiat nibh. Elementum integer enim neque volutpat ac tincidunt. Dictum varius duis at consectetur lorem donec massa. Ipsum dolor sit amet consectetur adipiscing elit pellentesque habitant. Sit amet nisl purus in mollis nunc sed id. In nibh mauris cursus mattis molestie a iaculis at.

Massa id neque aliquam vestibulum morbi blandit. Ipsum consequat nisl vel pretium lectus quam id leo. Etiam dignissim diam quis enim lobortis scelerisque fermentum dui. Arcu dictum varius duis at consectetur lorem donec massa sapien. Aliquet lectus proin nibh nisl condimentum id. Nisl condimentum id venenatis a condimentum vitae sapien pellentesque. Sit amet volutpat consequat mauris nunc. Risus commodo viverra maecenas accumsan lacus vel facilisis volutpat. Sed turpis tincidunt id aliquet. Ut tristique et egestas quis ipsum suspendisse ultrices gravida. Orci dapibus ultrices in iaculis nunc sed. Velit aliquet sagittis id consectetur purus. Scelerisque in dictum non consectetur. Purus ut faucibus pulvinar elementum integer. Maecenas accumsan lacus vel facilisis volutpat est.

Nisi vitae suscipit tellus mauris a. Tincidunt vitae semper quis lectus nulla. Sit amet mauris commodo quis imperdiet massa tincidunt nunc pulvinar. Neque volutpat ac tincidunt vitae semper quis. Interdum consectetur libero id faucibus nisl. Condimentum lacinia quis vel eros donec. Ac odio tempor orci dapibus ultrices in iaculis. Dui id ornare arcu odio ut sem nulla. Diam sollicitudin tempor id eu nisl nunc mi ipsum. Eget arcu dictum varius duis at consectetur lorem. Vitae aliquet nec ullamcorper sit amet risus nullam eget. Rhoncus aenean vel elit scelerisque mauris pellentesque pulvinar pellentesque. Vulputate mi sit amet mauris commodo quis imperdiet. Neque aliquam vestibulum morbi blandit cursus risus at. Posuere morbi leo urna molestie at. Quisque sagittis purus sit amet volutpat consequat mauris nunc. Fermentum leo vel orci porta non pulvinar neque. Eget velit aliquet sagittis id.

Placerat vestibulum lectus mauris ultrices eros in cursus turpis massa. Iaculis nunc sed augue lacus viverra vitae. Sodales ut eu sem integer vitae justo. Egestas egestas fringilla phasellus faucibus scelerisque eleifend. Quis eleifend quam adipiscing vitae proin. Adipiscing commodo elit at imperdiet dui accumsan. Scelerisque eu ultrices vitae auctor. Adipiscing elit pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et. Eget felis eget nunc lobortis mattis aliquam faucibus purus in. Vitae et leo duis ut diam. Elementum nibh tellus molestie nunc. Eu nisl nunc mi ipsum faucibus vitae aliquet nec ullamcorper. Dignissim convallis aenean et tortor at risus viverra adipiscing. Est sit amet facilisis magna etiam tempor. Pretium quam vulputate dignissim suspendisse in est ante in. Donec adipiscing tristique risus nec feugiat in fermentum posuere urna. Aliquam eleifend mi in nulla posuere sollicitudin aliquam ultrices. Laoreet sit amet cursus sit amet dictum sit. Lacus laoreet non curabitur gravida. Enim ut tellus elementum sagittis.

Blandit cursus risus at ultrices mi tempus imperdiet nulla malesuada. Praesent semper feugiat nibh sed pulvinar. Placerat in egestas erat imperdiet sed. Arcu dictum varius duis at. Blandit volutpat maecenas volutpat blandit aliquam etiam erat. Aliquet risus feugiat in ante metus. Senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Suscipit adipiscing bibendum est ultricies integer quis auctor. Ipsum nunc aliquet bibendum enim facilisis gravida. Diam phasellus vestibulum lorem sed. Pharetra convallis posuere morbi leo urna molestie at.

Adipiscing vitae proin sagittis nisl rhoncus mattis rhoncus urna. Lacinia quis vel eros donec ac odio. Sit amet massa vitae tortor condimentum lacinia quis vel. Felis bibendum ut tristique et egestas. Quam pellentesque nec nam aliquam sem et. Nulla facilisi morbi tempus iaculis urna. Et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas maecenas pharetra. Orci sagittis eu volutpat odio facilisis mauris sit. Adipiscing elit duis tristique sollicitudin nibh sit amet. Eu nisl nunc mi ipsum faucibus vitae aliquet nec. Erat pellentesque adipiscing commodo elit at imperdiet dui. Velit egestas dui id ornare arcu odio ut. Duis ut diam quam nulla porttitor massa. Dui vivamus arcu felis bibendum ut tristique et egestas. Orci dapibus ultrices in iaculis nunc sed augue. Ac placerat vestibulum lectus mauris. Enim eu turpis egestas pretium aenean pharetra.

Interdum posuere lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetur adipiscing elit. Ullamcorper dignissim cras tincidunt lobortis feugiat vivamus. Faucibus a pellentesque sit amet porttitor eget dolor morbi. Eget mi proin sed libero enim. Dui faucibus in ornare quam viverra orci sagittis. Morbi non arcu risus quis varius quam quisque id. Convallis posuere morbi leo urna molestie at. Dui sapien eget mi proin sed libero enim. Nibh tortor id aliquet lectus proin. Sodales ut etiam sit amet. Sed risus ultricies tristique nulla aliquet enim. Consequat id porta nibh venenatis. Ultricies lacus sed turpis tincidunt id aliquet risus feugiat. Egestas fringilla phasellus faucibus scelerisque eleifend donec pretium. Pharetra et ultrices neque ornare aenean euismod elementum nisi quis.

Sed augue lacus viverra vitae congue eu consequat ac. Aliquam vestibulum morbi blandit cursus risus. Gravida rutrum quisque non tellus orci ac. Et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas maecenas. Molestie at elementum eu facilisis. Rhoncus dolor purus non enim praesent elementum facilisis leo vel. Purus semper eget duis at. Enim neque volutpat ac tincidunt vitae. Lectus magna fringilla urna porttitor rhoncus dolor purus non enim. Id venenatis a condimentum vitae sapien pellentesque habitant. Massa sapien faucibus et molestie ac. Pellentesque pulvinar pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et.

Aliquet sagittis id consectetur purus ut faucibus. Eleifend quam adipiscing vitae proin sagittis nisl rhoncus mattis. Morbi enim nunc faucibus a pellentesque. Lorem donec massa sapien faucibus et molestie ac feugiat sed. Lacinia at quis risus sed vulputate odio ut. Donec et odio pellentesque diam volutpat commodo sed egestas. Amet purus gravida quis blandit turpis. Ut diam quam nulla porttitor. Massa enim nec dui nunc mattis. Sed sed risus pretium quam vulputate dignissim suspendisse in. Sed ullamcorper morbi tincidunt ornare. Nibh nisl condimentum id venenatis a condimentum vitae sapien. Id velit ut tortor pretium viverra suspendisse potenti nullam ac.

Mi quis hendrerit dolor magna eget est. Elit duis tristique sollicitudin nibh. Et sollicitudin ac orci phasellus egestas tellus. Eget arcu dictum varius duis at consectetur lorem. Vestibulum lorem sed risus ultricies tristique nulla aliquet. Dolor sit amet consectetur adipiscing elit pellentesque habitant morbi. Eget nullam non nisi est sit amet facilisis magna. Vel pharetra vel turpis nunc eget lorem dolor sed. Posuere ac ut consequat semper viverra nam libero. In fermentum et sollicitudin ac orci phasellus. Non blandit massa enim nec dui nunc mattis enim. Sapien et ligula ullamcorper malesuada proin libero nunc consequat.

Quam elementum pulvinar etiam non quam lacus suspendisse. Enim nunc faucibus a pellentesque sit amet porttitor. Lobortis mattis aliquam faucibus purus in massa tempor nec feugiat. Feugiat vivamus at augue eget arcu. Id aliquet lectus proin nibh nisl condimentum id venenatis. Quis viverra nibh cras pulvinar mattis nunc. Amet consectetur adipiscing elit ut aliquam purus sit. Nunc mattis enim ut tellus elementum sagittis. Suspendisse sed nisi lacus sed. Sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient. Dolor sit amet consectetur adipiscing elit duis tristique sollicitudin nibh. Sit amet mattis vulputate enim nulla. Est placerat in egestas erat imperdiet sed euismod. Erat pellentesque adipiscing commodo elit. Cursus mattis molestie a iaculis at. Dictum at tempor commodo ullamcorper a lacus.

Semper viverra nam libero justo laoreet sit amet cursus sit. Faucibus pulvinar elementum integer enim neque volutpat. Eget nunc scelerisque viverra mauris in aliquam sem fringilla ut. Nec ultrices dui sapien eget mi proin sed libero enim. Mauris sit amet massa vitae. Sed vulputate odio ut enim blandit volutpat maecenas. Eget lorem dolor sed viverra. Hendrerit dolor magna eget est lorem ipsum. Eget velit aliquet sagittis id consectetur purus ut. Vitae ultricies leo integer malesuada nunc vel risus commodo. Lacus laoreet non curabitur gravida. Morbi tincidunt augue interdum velit. Viverra accumsan in nisl nisi scelerisque eu ultrices vitae auctor. Nulla malesuada pellentesque elit eget. Dictum at tempor commodo ullamcorper a lacus vestibulum sed. Eros donec ac odio tempor orci dapibus ultrices in iaculis. Quis viverra nibh cras pulvinar mattis nunc sed blandit.

Sit amet commodo nulla facilisi nullam vehicula ipsum a arcu. Semper quis lectus nulla at volutpat diam ut venenatis. In hendrerit gravida rutrum quisque non tellus. Id neque aliquam vestibulum morbi blandit cursus risus at ultrices. Vivamus arcu felis bibendum ut. Non blandit massa enim nec dui nunc. Ornare arcu odio ut sem nulla pharetra diam sit amet. Vitae elementum curabitur vitae nunc sed velit. Nec feugiat in fermentum posuere urna nec tincidunt praesent. Nullam vehicula ipsum a arcu cursus vitae congue mauris. Tempus iaculis urna id volutpat. Eget lorem dolor sed viverra ipsum nunc aliquet bibendum enim.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetur adipiscing elit. Quis auctor elit sed vulputate mi sit. Egestas sed sed risus pretium quam vulputate dignissim suspendisse in. Sit amet commodo nulla facilisi nullam vehicula. Vel fringilla est ullamcorper eget nulla facilisi etiam dignissim. Pellentesque eu tincidunt tortor aliquam nulla facilisi cras. Tellus mauris a diam maecenas sed enim ut sem viverra. Tortor at auctor urna nunc id cursus metus aliquam eleifend. Bibendum neque egestas congue quisque. In ornare quam viverra orci sagittis eu volutpat odio facilisis. Fermentum dui faucibus in ornare. Nunc mattis enim ut tellus elementum sagittis. Et molestie ac feugiat sed lectus. Arcu dictum varius duis at consectetur lorem donec. Vel eros donec ac odio tempor. Nulla facilisi nullam vehicula ipsum a arcu cursus. Mus mauris vitae ultricies leo. Orci a scelerisque purus semper eget duis at tellus. Tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas.

Cras pulvinar mattis nunc sed blandit libero volutpat sed cras. Turpis nunc eget lorem dolor sed viverra ipsum. Diam maecenas ultricies mi eget mauris. Egestas egestas fringilla phasellus faucibus scelerisque eleifend donec pretium vulputate. Vulputate enim nulla aliquet porttitor lacus luctus accumsan. Lectus proin nibh nisl condimentum. Ac turpis egestas sed tempus urna et. Sem integer vitae justo eget. Non sodales neque sodales ut etiam sit amet. Id leo in vitae turpis massa sed elementum tempus egestas. Id venenatis a condimentum vitae sapien pellentesque habitant morbi. Sit amet facilisis magna etiam tempor orci eu lobortis elementum. Hendrerit gravida rutrum quisque non tellus. Pulvinar elementum integer enim neque volutpat ac tincidunt vitae. Morbi blandit cursus risus at ultrices mi tempus. Nec ullamcorper sit amet risus nullam eget felis eget nunc.

Neque volutpat ac tincidunt vitae semper. Quis ipsum suspendisse ultrices gravida. Ac placerat vestibulum lectus mauris ultrices. Enim sed faucibus turpis in eu mi bibendum. Mattis pellentesque id nibh tortor id aliquet lectus proin nibh. Duis at consectetur lorem donec massa sapien. Aliquam vestibulum morbi blandit cursus risus at. Feugiat in fermentum posuere urna nec tincidunt praesent semper. Quis risus sed vulputate odio. Ac tortor dignissim convallis aenean et tortor at. Aliquet eget sit amet tellus cras adipiscing. Porttitor massa id neque aliquam vestibulum morbi blandit. Arcu odio ut sem nulla pharetra. Sed vulputate mi sit amet. Risus ultricies tristique nulla aliquet enim tortor at auctor. Aenean et tortor at risus viverra adipiscing. Sapien eget mi proin sed libero enim sed faucibus turpis.

Adipiscing elit duis tristique sollicitudin nibh. Aliquam vestibulum morbi blandit cursus. Felis eget velit aliquet sagittis id consectetur purus ut. Interdum velit euismod in pellentesque massa placerat duis ultricies. Sem integer vitae justo eget magna fermentum iaculis. Metus dictum at tempor commodo ullamcorper. Vitae auctor eu augue ut lectus arcu. Sed velit dignissim sodales ut eu sem integer vitae. Molestie ac feugiat sed lectus vestibulum. Tristique sollicitudin nibh sit amet commodo nulla facilisi. Ornare lectus sit amet est. Ante metus dictum at tempor commodo ullamcorper a. Sed odio morbi quis commodo odio aenean sed adipiscing diam. Ullamcorper eget nulla facilisi etiam. Pretium nibh ipsum consequat nisl vel. Et ultrices neque ornare aenean euismod elementum nisi quis. Netus et malesuada fames ac turpis. Id neque aliquam vestibulum morbi. Non nisi est sit amet facilisis magna etiam tempor.

Arcu non sodales neque sodales ut etiam sit amet nisl. Id venenatis a condimentum vitae sapien pellentesque. Sed libero enim sed faucibus turpis in eu. Elementum tempus egestas sed sed. Nunc sed augue lacus viverra vitae congue. Cras fermentum odio eu feugiat pretium nibh ipsum consequat nisl. Nisl vel pretium lectus quam. Tristique magna sit amet purus. Lacinia at quis risus sed vulputate odio ut enim. Malesuada bibendum arcu vitae elementum curabitur vitae nunc sed. Vitae congue mauris rhoncus aenean vel. Habitasse platea dictumst vestibulum rhoncus. Non sodales neque sodales ut etiam sit. Nulla facilisi cras fermentum odio eu feugiat pretium. Amet nulla facilisi morbi tempus iaculis. Suspendisse potenti nullam ac tortor vitae purus. Aliquam sem et tortor consequat id porta.

Convallis a cras semper auctor neque vitae tempus quam pellentesque. Felis eget nunc lobortis mattis aliquam faucibus purus. Venenatis tellus in metus vulputate eu scelerisque. Ullamcorper sit amet risus nullam eget. Ultrices eros in cursus turpis. Imperdiet dui accumsan sit amet nulla. Ut tellus elementum sagittis vitae et leo duis ut. Tincidunt eget nullam non nisi est sit amet. Etiam sit amet nisl purus in. A pellentesque sit amet porttitor.

Tellus cras adipiscing enim eu turpis egestas. Et pharetra pharetra massa massa ultricies. In fermentum et sollicitudin ac. Est placerat in egestas erat imperdiet sed euismod nisi. Amet est placerat in egestas erat imperdiet sed euismod. Nam at lectus urna duis convallis. A diam maecenas sed enim ut sem viverra aliquet eget. Rhoncus dolor purus non enim praesent elementum facilisis leo vel. Porttitor leo a diam sollicitudin tempor id. Tellus in metus vulputate eu scelerisque felis. Pharetra et ultrices neque ornare aenean. Tortor posuere ac ut consequat semper viverra nam libero.

Dignissim convallis aenean et tortor at risus viverra. Enim praesent elementum facilisis leo vel fringilla est ullamcorper. Feugiat pretium nibh ipsum consequat nisl vel pretium lectus quam. Placerat vestibulum lectus mauris ultrices eros in cursus. Ipsum consequat nisl vel pretium lectus. Varius vel pharetra vel turpis nunc eget. Ut aliquam purus sit amet luctus venenatis lectus. Pellentesque id nibh tortor id aliquet. Gravida arcu ac tortor dignissim convallis aenean et tortor. Aenean pharetra magna ac placerat vestibulum lectus. Leo integer malesuada nunc vel risus commodo viverra maecenas. Habitasse platea dictumst vestibulum rhoncus est. Elit duis tristique sollicitudin nibh sit amet commodo nulla facilisi. Odio eu feugiat pretium nibh ipsum consequat nisl vel. Phasellus egestas tellus rutrum tellus pellentesque eu. Nisl condimentum id venenatis a. Pretium vulputate sapien nec sagittis aliquam malesuada. Elementum nibh tellus molestie nunc non blandit. Malesuada fames ac turpis egestas.

Cursus euismod quis viverra nibh cras. Vitae proin sagittis nisl rhoncus mattis rhoncus urna. Malesuada proin libero nunc consequat interdum varius sit amet mattis. Maecenas sed enim ut sem viverra aliquet eget sit amet. Pharetra diam sit amet nisl suscipit adipiscing bibendum est. Tempus egestas sed sed risus pretium quam vulputate dignissim suspendisse. Elementum eu facilisis sed odio morbi quis commodo. Mattis rhoncus urna neque viverra justo nec ultrices dui sapien. Egestas purus viverra accumsan in. Lacus laoreet non curabitur gravida arcu ac. Lectus arcu bibendum at varius vel pharetra vel turpis. Id ornare arcu odio ut sem nulla pharetra. Semper feugiat nibh sed pulvinar. Et molestie ac feugiat sed lectus. At varius vel pharetra vel turpis nunc eget. Morbi tristique senectus et netus et. Posuere morbi leo urna molestie at elementum eu facilisis.

Vulputate dignissim suspendisse in est ante in nibh mauris cursus. Dui id ornare arcu odio ut sem. Ultricies mi eget mauris pharetra et ultrices neque. Egestas diam in arcu cursus euismod quis viverra nibh. Nibh venenatis cras sed felis. Cras adipiscing enim eu turpis. Risus ultricies tristique nulla aliquet enim tortor at auctor urna. Leo in vitae turpis massa sed elementum tempus egestas. Ut faucibus pulvinar elementum integer. Montes nascetur ridiculus mus mauris vitae ultricies.

Tristique senectus et netus et. Enim blandit volutpat maecenas volutpat blandit. Ut aliquam purus sit amet luctus. Congue eu consequat ac felis. Amet aliquam id diam maecenas. Lacus vestibulum sed arcu non odio. Posuere sollicitudin aliquam ultrices sagittis orci. Semper eget duis at tellus at. Nec nam aliquam sem et tortor consequat id. Tincidunt praesent semper feugiat nibh sed pulvinar. Blandit turpis cursus in hac habitasse. Dignissim convallis aenean et tortor at risus viverra adipiscing.

Eget nulla facilisi etiam dignissim. Enim ut tellus elementum sagittis vitae et leo duis. Quis risus sed vulputate odio ut. Nunc consequat interdum varius sit amet mattis vulputate. Sed turpis tincidunt id aliquet risus feugiat in. Eget arcu dictum varius duis at consectetur lorem. Ultricies lacus sed turpis tincidunt id aliquet risus feugiat in. Enim facilisis gravida neque convallis. Ultricies lacus sed turpis tincidunt id. Id faucibus nisl tincidunt eget nullam non. Laoreet sit amet cursus sit amet. Arcu dui vivamus arcu felis bibendum ut tristique et. Diam sit amet nisl suscipit adipiscing bibendum est ultricies integer. Nulla porttitor massa id neque aliquam. Adipiscing at in tellus integer feugiat. Eget nulla facilisi etiam dignissim diam quis enim. Arcu dictum varius duis at consectetur lorem donec. Nisi quis eleifend quam adipiscing vitae proin sagittis nisl rhoncus.

Mauris cursus mattis molestie a. Diam sit amet nisl suscipit adipiscing. Lacus viverra vitae congue eu consequat ac felis donec et. Gravida arcu ac tortor dignissim. Aenean pharetra magna ac placerat vestibulum lectus. Faucibus a pellentesque sit amet porttitor. Nulla aliquet porttitor lacus luctus accumsan tortor. Cras adipiscing enim eu turpis egestas pretium aenean. Sed adipiscing diam donec adipiscing tristique. Cras ornare arcu dui vivamus arcu. Nibh nisl condimentum id venenatis.

Tellus pellentesque eu tincidunt tortor aliquam nulla facilisi. Consequat mauris nunc congue nisi vitae suscipit tellus. Tincidunt vitae semper quis lectus nulla. Eget egestas purus viverra accumsan. In aliquam sem fringilla ut morbi tincidunt augue. Tincidunt vitae semper quis lectus nulla. Nisl condimentum id venenatis a condimentum vitae sapien pellentesque habitant. Ac orci phasellus egestas tellus rutrum. Condimentum id venenatis a condimentum vitae sapien pellentesque habitant. Nibh cras pulvinar mattis nunc sed blandit. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet. Eu feugiat pretium nibh ipsum consequat nisl vel. Massa id neque aliquam vestibulum morbi blandit cursus. Massa tincidunt dui ut ornare lectus sit amet est. Diam maecenas sed enim ut sem viverra aliquet eget. Pellentesque adipiscing commodo elit at imperdiet. Tellus rutrum tellus pellentesque eu tincidunt tortor aliquam nulla. Blandit libero volutpat sed cras ornare arcu dui. Pellentesque diam volutpat commodo sed egestas egestas fringilla phasellus faucibus. Lacus luctus accumsan tortor posuere ac ut consequat semper viverra.

Vitae congue eu consequat ac felis donec et odio pellentesque. At quis risus sed vulputate odio ut enim blandit. Mattis pellentesque id nibh tortor id aliquet. Egestas purus viverra accumsan in nisl nisi scelerisque eu. Tellus rutrum tellus pellentesque eu tincidunt tortor aliquam. Tempus urna et pharetra pharetra massa massa. Non pulvinar neque laoreet suspendisse interdum. Sit amet massa vitae tortor condimentum lacinia quis vel. Nibh mauris cursus mattis molestie a. Morbi tincidunt ornare massa eget egestas purus viverra accumsan. Massa vitae tortor condimentum lacinia.

In vitae turpis massa sed elementum tempus. Odio pellentesque diam volutpat commodo. Ut pharetra sit amet aliquam id diam maecenas ultricies mi. Sed arcu non odio euismod lacinia at quis risus sed. Eget lorem dolor sed viverra ipsum nunc aliquet bibendum enim. Ac tortor dignissim convallis aenean et tortor. Quis hendrerit dolor magna eget est lorem ipsum. Erat pellentesque adipiscing commodo elit at imperdiet dui. Enim praesent elementum facilisis leo vel fringilla est ullamcorper eget. Sed elementum tempus egestas sed sed. Commodo ullamcorper a lacus vestibulum sed arcu. Egestas erat imperdiet sed euismod nisi porta lorem. Felis imperdiet proin fermentum leo. Dapibus ultrices in iaculis nunc sed augue lacus viverra. Integer eget aliquet nibh praesent tristique magna sit. Vestibulum lectus mauris ultrices eros. Mauris augue neque gravida in fermentum et sollicitudin. In fermentum et sollicitudin ac orci. Ullamcorper eget nulla facilisi etiam dignissim diam quis enim lobortis. Nunc id cursus metus aliquam eleifend.

Eu volutpat odio facilisis mauris sit amet massa vitae tortor. Augue mauris augue neque gravida in fermentum et. Sit amet cursus sit amet dictum sit amet. Velit aliquet sagittis id consectetur purus. Bibendum enim facilisis gravida neque convallis a cras. Tincidunt augue interdum velit euismod. Commodo nulla facilisi nullam vehicula ipsum. Curabitur vitae nunc sed velit dignissim. Ac turpis egestas sed tempus urna et pharetra pharetra massa. Mattis ullamcorper velit sed ullamcorper morbi tincidunt. In nisl nisi scelerisque eu ultrices vitae auctor eu augue. Vulputate mi sit amet mauris commodo quis imperdiet massa. Viverra ipsum nunc aliquet bibendum enim facilisis gravida neque. Vestibulum mattis ullamcorper velit sed ullamcorper. Amet facilisis magna etiam tempor orci eu lobortis. Pellentesque elit ullamcorper dignissim cras tincidunt. Dictum fusce ut placerat orci nulla pellentesque dignissim. Euismod elementum nisi quis eleifend quam adipiscing. Amet luctus venenatis lectus magna. Diam ut venenatis tellus in.

Eleifend quam adipiscing vitae proin sagittis nisl rhoncus. Leo urna molestie at elementum eu. Quisque sagittis purus sit amet volutpat. Velit egestas dui id ornare arcu odio ut sem nulla. Gravida neque convallis a cras semper auctor neque. Blandit cursus risus at ultrices. Phasellus vestibulum lorem sed risus ultricies tristique nulla aliquet. In pellentesque massa placerat duis ultricies lacus sed turpis. Id eu nisl nunc mi ipsum. Senectus et netus et malesuada. Nec ultrices dui sapien eget. Elementum curabitur vitae nunc sed velit. Nunc sed blandit libero volutpat sed cras. Auctor elit sed vulputate mi sit. Nisl suscipit adipiscing bibendum est. Sit amet risus nullam eget felis eget. Enim blandit volutpat maecenas volutpat blandit aliquam etiam erat. Aliquet lectus proin nibh nisl condimentum. Vel eros donec ac odio tempor. Tellus in metus vulputate eu scelerisque felis imperdiet proin.

Accumsan lacus vel facilisis volutpat est velit egestas dui id. Eu volutpat odio facilisis mauris sit amet. Morbi leo urna molestie at elementum eu facilisis sed odio. Eleifend quam adipiscing vitae proin sagittis nisl. Morbi tristique senectus et netus et. Quam nulla porttitor massa id neque aliquam vestibulum morbi. At urna condimentum mattis pellentesque id nibh tortor. Lorem donec massa sapien faucibus. Fringilla phasellus faucibus scelerisque eleifend donec pretium vulputate sapien nec. Netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas integer. Eget mauris pharetra et ultrices neque ornare aenean. Id porta nibh venenatis cras sed felis eget. Est ultricies integer quis auctor elit sed vulputate mi sit. Dictumst quisque sagittis purus sit amet. Adipiscing elit duis tristique sollicitudin nibh sit. Diam vel quam elementum pulvinar etiam non quam lacus suspendisse. Fermentum leo vel orci porta non pulvinar. Pharetra vel turpis nunc eget lorem dolor. Cursus in hac habitasse platea dictumst quisque.

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. – Mark Twain

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. – Mark Twain

The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails – not for the first time since the journey begain – pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil. – Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

You are going to have a new love affair.

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. – Mark Twain

Never reveal your best argument.

English literature’s performing flea. – Sean O’Casey on P. G. Wodehouse

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author – Mark Twain, “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

You are confused; but this is your normal state.

I dote on his very absence. – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. – Mark Twain

“I understand this is your first dead client,” Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don’t call me Deadpan Allie and lie. – Pat Cadigan, “Mindplayers”

Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.

Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? A: Because that was her name.

Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.

Q: Why don’t lawyers go to the beach? A: The cats keep trying to bury them.

You are standing on my toes.

You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate. – J.R.R. Tolkien, “The Return of the King”

[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
 referring to system overview.]

Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) – by Margaret Mitchell

A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.

Gift of the Magi LITE(tm) – by O. Henry

A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.

The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) – by Ernest Hemingway

An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.

Small things make base men proud. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

No violence, gentlemen – no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! – Sherlock Holmes

Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!

You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it’s totally undeserved.

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. – William Shakespeare, “Much Ado About Nothing”

A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it’s still a holding place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I would have cared normally but my viewpoint was skewed. The relentless pleasance of the room I sat in seemed only grotesque. – Pat Cadigan, “Mindplayers”

Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? A: A dinner party.

Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come. – William Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar”

Better hope the life-inspector doesn’t come around while you have your life in such a mess.

Don’t kiss an elephant on the lips today.

You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.

Give your very best today. Heaven knows it’s little enough.

You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.

You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it’s totally undeserved.

You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.

There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.

You’ll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.

Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive women. There, that’s it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took thousands of words to say it. Or consider “The Brothers Karamazov”, by the famous Russian alcoholic Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It’s about these two brothers who kill their father. Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It’s impossible to tell because what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk as much as the Karamazovs did, I don’t see how they found time to become a major world power. I’m told that Dostoyevsky wrote “The Brothers Karamazov” to raise the question of whether there is a God. So why didn’t he just come right out and say: “Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me.” Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

• “Moby Dick” – Don’t mess around with large whales because they symbolize nature and will kill you.
• “A Tale of Two Cities” – French people are crazy. – Dave Barry

Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? A: 9 edge down.

Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn’t work for his father, isn’t a lawyer, and believes in social causes? A: A failure.

Q: What is orange and goes “click, click?” A: A ball point carrot.

Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? A: 2 bits.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only “This page intentionally left blank”, and 20% of the definitions are of the form “A:….. consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks”.

Your business will assume vast proportions.

“Speak, thou vast and venerable head,” muttered Ahab, “which, though ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has moved amid the world’s foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or diver never went; has slept by many a sailer’s side, where sleepless mothers would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw’st the locked lovers when leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw’st the murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed on unharmed – while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one syllable is thine!” – H. Melville, “Moby Dick”

Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don’t have a lucky day this year.

Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn’t work for his father, isn’t a lawyer, and believes in social causes? A: A failure.

Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.

You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.

Save energy: be apathetic.

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam in 1959. – Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.

You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.

Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!

If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you’ll learn 365 useless things.

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn’t heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn’t reacting yet to let you know. – Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

Do not overtax your powers.

“… an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.” – Mark Twain

Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.

Don’t look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.

Don’t look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.

His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique… – Roger Zelazny, “Lord of Light”

Exercise caution in your daily affairs.

Blow it out your ear.

If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!

You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.

You will engage in a profitable business activity.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.

You will be misunderstood by everyone.

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. – Ashleigh Brilliant

Beware the one behind you.

Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn’t work for his father, isn’t a lawyer, and believes in social causes? A: A failure.

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. – H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

You will contract a rare disease.

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion. – Corwin, Prince of Amber

You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.

Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.

Tonight’s the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?

You’d like to do it instantaneously, but that’s too slow.

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents’ beds, unerringly I rush! – Captain Ahab, “Moby Dick”

Keep it short for pithy sake.

If your life was a horse, you’d have to shoot it.

Beware of Bigfoot!

You will gain money by a fattening action.

You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.

Don’t get stuck in a closet – wear yourself out.

You are capable of planning your future.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: What’s buried in Grant’s tomb? A: A corpse.

Q: What is purple and commutes? A: An Abelian grape.

Patch griefs with proverbs. – William Shakespeare, “Much Ado About Nothing”

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. – J.R.R. Tolkien

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Q: What’s the difference between a duck and an elephant? A: You can’t get down off an elephant.

Don’t look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.

“… all the modern inconveniences …” – Mark Twain

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. – Mark Twain

It’s a very __UNlucky week in which to be took dead. – Churchy La Femme

No violence, gentlemen – no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! – Sherlock Holmes

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. – Mark Twain “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court”

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs’d be him who first cries, “Hold, enough!”. – Shakespeare

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. “What! no soap?” So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. – Samuel Foote

You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation.

If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!

You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.

Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren’t really worth having.

Q: Why haven’t you graduated yet? A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted my dissertation to rhyme.

A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read. – Mark Twain, “The Disappearance of Literature”

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

Never laugh at live dragons. – Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, “The Hobbit”]

You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.

Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.

You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.

You will not be elected to public office this year.

Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

Q: Why do WASPs play golf ? A: So they can dress like pimps.

Don’t you wish you had more energy… or less ambition?

Make a wish, it might come true.

When in doubt, tell the truth. – Mark Twain

Tell the truth or trump–but get the trick. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.

You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.

If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!

Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.

You will contract a rare disease.

Your step will soil many countries.

I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. – J. R. R. Tolkien

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Take away his credit cards.

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can’t understand!

Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren’t really worth having.

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. – Gene Fowler

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.

You will contract a rare disease.

Q: What’s the contour integral around Western Europe? A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable!

Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? A: Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q: What is a compact city? A: It’s a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen! – Peter Lax

You’ll feel much better once you’ve given up hope.

Conscience doth make cowards of us all. – Shakespeare

Your lover will never wish to leave you.

Don’t get to bragging.

Q: Why haven’t you graduated yet? A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted my dissertation to rhyme.

Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. – William Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar”

Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

“Good afternoon, madam. How may I help you?”

“Good afternoon. I’d like a FrintArms HandCannon, please.”

“A–? Oh, now, that’s an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady. I mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I say they have a right to. But I think… I might… Let’s have a look down here. I might have just the thing for you. Yes, here we are! Look at that, isn’t it neat? Now that is a FrintArms product as well, but it’s what’s called a laser – a light-pistol some people call them. Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won’t spoil the line of a jacket; and you won’t feel you’re lugging half a tonne of iron around with you. We do a range of matching accessories, including – if I may say so – a rather saucy garter holster. Wish I got to do the fitting for that! Ha – just my little joke. And there’s even… here we are – this special presentation pack: gun, charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your next battery. Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free lessons at your local gun club or range. Or there’s the special presentation pack; it has all the other one’s got but with two charged batteries and a night-sight, too. Here, feel that – don’t worry, it’s a dummy battery – isn’t it neat? Feel how light it is? Smooth, see? No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, and beautifully balanced. And of course the beauty of a laser is, there’s no recoil. Because it’s shooting light, you see? Beautiful gun, beautiful gun; my wife has one. Really. That’s not a line, she really has. Now, I can do you that one – with a battery and a free charge – for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for one-forty-nine.”

“I’ll take the special.”

“Sound choice, madam, sound choice. Now, do–?”

“And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three six-five AP/wire-fl’echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a Special Projectile Pack if you have one – the one with the embedding rounds, not the signalers. I assume the night-sight on this toy is compatible?”

“Aah… yes, And how does madam wish to pay?”

She slapped her credit card on the counter. “Eventually.”

	-- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it!

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way!

Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear–not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!–incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who “didn’t know what fear was,” we ought always to add the flea–and put him at the head of the procession. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.

Behold, the fool saith, “Put not all thine eggs in the one basket”–which is but a manner of saying, “Scatter your money and your attention;” but the wise man saith, “Put all your eggs in the one basket and–WATCH THAT BASKET.” – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? A: Because every morning they wake up thinking “What is that noise? Oh, right, of course!

Never give an inch!

Don’t look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.

You will outgrow your usefulness.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty. – Mark Twain

You teach best what you most need to learn.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy. – Meher Baba

You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.

You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it’s totally undeserved.

You fill a much-needed gap.

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. – J.R.R. Tolkien

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the experience. (Actually, Californians don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

Q: Know what the difference between your latest project and putting wings on an elephant is? A: Who knows? The elephant might fly, heh, heh…

Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

Don’t get to bragging.

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. – Shirley Jackson, “The Haunting of Hill House”

Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To see his friend Gregory peck.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.

Q: What’s hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? A: Chewing gum.

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. – William Shakespeare, “The Taming of the Shrew”

You will be awarded some great honor.

Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

Your fly might be open (but don’t check it just now).

Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.

You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize… posthumously.

Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.

Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? A: Moby Pickle.

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

You will be held hostage by a radical group.

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert. – Racter, “The Policeman’s Beard is Half-Constructed”

Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.

You’re definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb? A: I’ll have to get back to you on that.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? A: The impossible dream.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: He was giving it last rites.

Be cheerful while you are alive. – Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.

You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. Q: Name two families whose kids won’t join the Marines.

You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.

You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.

Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? A: Diyathinkhesaurus.

Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.

You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.

And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?

You will wish you hadn’t.

O, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive. – Sir Walter Scott, “Marmion”

Q: What’s tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? A: A doberman.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy. – Meher Baba

You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.

All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. – Mark Twain

“Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.” – Marvin, “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

In India, “cold weather” is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. – Mark Twain

Q: How does a hacker fix a function which doesn’t work for all of the elements in its domain? A: He changes the domain.

Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.

You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.

You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.

There was a phone call for you.

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone! – Charles Dickens

Domestic happiness and faithful friends.

Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: He was giving it last rites.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To see his friend Gregory peck.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.

It is often the case that the man who can’t tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

It’s all in the mind, ya know.

For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? – Virginia Woolf, “To the Lighthouse”

[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
 referring to powerfail recovery.]

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only shorter. – Samuel Beckett, “Malone Dies”

You will be awarded some great honor.

You will be run over by a bus.

You will be divorced within a year.

Do not overtax your powers.

Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. – Ashleigh Brilliant

But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. – William Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar”

Your aim is high and to the right.

Your love life will be… interesting.

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.

Condense soup, not books!

Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.

The only people for me are the mad ones – the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles. – Jack Kerouac, “On the Road”

Condense soup, not books!

This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.

You will be singled out for promotion in your work.

You are as I am with You.

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate. – J.R.R. Tolkien, “The Return of the King”

[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
 referring to system overview.]

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar

“I wonder”, he said to himself, “what’s in a book while it’s closed. Oh, I know it’s full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there’s a whole story with people I don’t know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles.” – Bastian B. Bux

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.

Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven – fueled by a single accelerant – and she needed a man, a man who wouldn’t shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road: a man like Alf Romeo. – Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never see her little dog Pritzi again. – Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain – perhaps a tumor or a metabolic deficiency – but after a thorough neurological exam it was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. – Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is named after the author of the immortal lines: “It was a dark and stormy night.” The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the worst possible novel.

You are always busy.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. – Mark Twain

A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.

The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. – George Gobel

Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. – William Shakespeare, “Henry IV”

To be or not to be. – Shakespeare To do is to be. – Nietzsche To be is to do. – Sartre Do be do be do. – Sinatra

Are you making all this up as you go along?

Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? A: A howdah duty.

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

Communicate! It can’t make things any worse.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m in my right mind. Then it passes off and I’m as intelligent as ever. – Samuel Beckett, “Endgame”

Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.

It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.

Stay away from flying saucers today.

A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. – Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess

Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.

You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Q: What’s the contour integral around Western Europe? A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable!

Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? A: Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q: What is a compact city? A: It’s a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen! – Peter Lax

You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.

October.

This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.

The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

	-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.

Every why hath a wherefore. – William Shakespeare, “A Comedy of Errors”

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. – Shakespeare, “King Lear”

You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.

Your present plans will be successful.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.

Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? A: A deep C diva.

Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

Don’t worry. Life’s too long. – Vincent Sardi, Jr.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. – Mark Twain

You will pass away very quickly.

Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

“Speak, thou vast and venerable head,” muttered Ahab, “which, though ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has moved amid the world’s foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or diver never went; has slept by many a sailer’s side, where sleepless mothers would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw’st the locked lovers when leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw’st the murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed on unharmed – while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one syllable is thine!” – H. Melville, “Moby Dick”

Today is what happened to yesterday.

The countdown had stalled at ‘T’ minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably – the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career. – Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

If your life was a horse, you’d have to shoot it.

Q: What’s the contour integral around Western Europe? A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable!

Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? A: Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q: What is a compact city? A: It’s a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen! – Peter Lax

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. – Mark Twain “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court”

You have Egyptian flu: you’re going to be a mummy.

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.

You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman.

Today is what happened to yesterday.

You will gain money by an illegal action.

Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. – Charles Dickens, “A Christmas Carol”

Don’t plan any hasty moves. You’ll be evicted soon anyway.

You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.

Q: How does a hacker fix a function which doesn’t work for all of the elements in its domain? A: He changes the domain.

You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.

Of course you have a purpose – to find a purpose.

What happened last night can happen again.

You would if you could but you can’t so you won’t.

All say, “How hard it is that we have to die”–a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Don’t look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.

We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.

You’ll never be the man your mother was!

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. – Mark Twain

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. We’ll fix it in software.

Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The application can work around it.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. We’ll document it in the manual.

Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The user can figure it out.

You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.

All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. – Samuel Beckett

Your supervisor is thinking about you.

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 A: Go west, young man, go west! Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A: A stick.

Q: What’s the difference between USL and the Titanic? A: The Titanic had a band.

Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?

You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.

… A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. – Mark Twain

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. – J.R.R. Tolkien

Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.

The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, Are of imagination all compact… – Wm. Shakespeare, “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”

You love your home and want it to be beautiful.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author – Mark Twain, “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”

You’re being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. Q: Name two families whose kids won’t join the Marines.

Q: What’s tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? A: A doberman.

They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. – William Shakespeare, “Love’s Labour’s Lost”

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Q: How many Harvard MBA’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.

Tonight’s the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. – J.R.R. Tolkien

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

You will gain money by an immoral action.

Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? A: There’s a footprint in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? A: There’s two footprints in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? A: The door won’t shut.

Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? A: There’s a VW Bug in your driveway.

Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.

Condense soup, not books!

Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? A: A howdah duty.

You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.

All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. – Samuel Beckett

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

You will be surrounded by luxury.

Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? A: In the United States you can’t buy anything for zlotys and in Poland you can’t either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. – being told in Poland, 1987

You will step on the night soil of many countries.

Must I hold a candle to my shames? – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

Don’t hate yourself in the morning – sleep till noon.

Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? A: 9 edge down.

Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks.

Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, it can still be changed today.

The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heav’n of Hell, a Hell of Heav’n. – John Milton

Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.

You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace– I’d not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. – Justin Richardson.

Fine day for friends. So-so day for you.

They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. – William Shakespeare, “Love’s Labour’s Lost”

Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? A: The impossible dream.

All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. – Samuel Beckett

Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can’t understand!

You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.

Q: How do you play religious roulette? A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion. – Corwin, Prince of Amber

Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn’t. – Mark Twain

Writing is turning one’s worst moments into money. – J.P. Donleavy

Save energy: be apathetic.

Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One and a half.

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? A: Moby Pickle.

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards. – Mark Twain

Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don’t believe a thing he tells you.

Knucklehead: “Knock, knock” Pee Wee: “Who’s there?” Knucklehead: “Little ol’ lady.” Pee Wee: “Liddle ol’ lady who?” Knucklehead: “I didn’t know you could yodel”

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he’ll immediately claim that he’s a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he “canna” see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have just saved the natives’ from an awful fate and, as a reward, been given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. – William Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar”

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

Blow it out your ear.

Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.

You will inherit millions of dollars.

The better part of valor is discretion. – William Shakespeare, “Henry IV”

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. – Roger Zelazny, “Doorways in the Sand”

You will be awarded some great honor.

You will be married within a year.

Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.

You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents’ beds, unerringly I rush! – Captain Ahab, “Moby Dick”

You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.

Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven – fueled by a single accelerant – and she needed a man, a man who wouldn’t shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road: a man like Alf Romeo. – Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never see her little dog Pritzi again. – Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain – perhaps a tumor or a metabolic deficiency – but after a thorough neurological exam it was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. – Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is named after the author of the immortal lines: “It was a dark and stormy night.” The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the worst possible novel.

Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! – Wm. Shakespeare, “Richard III”

A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.

Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.

Your aim is high and to the right.

When one burns one’s bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. – Dylan Thomas

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Your fly might be open (but don’t check it just now).

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. – Mark Twain

No violence, gentlemen – no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! – Sherlock Holmes

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. – “Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Tell the truth or trump–but get the trick. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.

You have been selected for a secret mission.

Your lover will never wish to leave you.

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

“I wonder”, he said to himself, “what’s in a book while it’s closed. Oh, I know it’s full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there’s a whole story with people I don’t know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles.” – Bastian B. Bux

Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.

You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument. – William Shakespeare, “Love’s Labour’s Lost”

Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

You will have long and healthy life.

Snow Day – stay home.

Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture.

You’ll never be the man your mother was!

Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.

You will have long and healthy life.

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only shorter. – Samuel Beckett, “Malone Dies”

Small things make base men proud. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

Keep it short for pithy sake.

You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.

You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.

Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Q: Are we not men? A: We are Vaxen.

You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.

O, it is excellent To have a giant’s strength; but it is tyrannous To use it like a giant. – Shakespeare, “Measure for Measure”, II, 2

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. – Mark Twain

You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you’ll be dead.

Keep it short for pithy sake.

Your fly might be open (but don’t check it just now).

You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!

You will have a long and boring life.

You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.

You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective.

All say, “How hard it is that we have to die”–a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.

Harp not on that string. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.

Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. – Mark Twain

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 A: To be or not to be. Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?

You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.

You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.

They spell it “da Vinci” and pronounce it “da Vinchy”. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. – Mark Twain

Let me take you a button-hole lower. – William Shakespeare, “Love’s Labour’s Lost”

You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you’ll be dead.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke.

“Good afternoon, madam. How may I help you?”

“Good afternoon. I’d like a FrintArms HandCannon, please.”

“A–? Oh, now, that’s an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady. I mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I say they have a right to. But I think… I might… Let’s have a look down here. I might have just the thing for you. Yes, here we are! Look at that, isn’t it neat? Now that is a FrintArms product as well, but it’s what’s called a laser – a light-pistol some people call them. Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won’t spoil the line of a jacket; and you won’t feel you’re lugging half a tonne of iron around with you. We do a range of matching accessories, including – if I may say so – a rather saucy garter holster. Wish I got to do the fitting for that! Ha – just my little joke. And there’s even… here we are – this special presentation pack: gun, charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your next battery. Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free lessons at your local gun club or range. Or there’s the special presentation pack; it has all the other one’s got but with two charged batteries and a night-sight, too. Here, feel that – don’t worry, it’s a dummy battery – isn’t it neat? Feel how light it is? Smooth, see? No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, and beautifully balanced. And of course the beauty of a laser is, there’s no recoil. Because it’s shooting light, you see? Beautiful gun, beautiful gun; my wife has one. Really. That’s not a line, she really has. Now, I can do you that one – with a battery and a free charge – for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for one-forty-nine.”

“I’ll take the special.”

“Sound choice, madam, sound choice. Now, do–?”

“And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three six-five AP/wire-fl’echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a Special Projectile Pack if you have one – the one with the embedding rounds, not the signalers. I assume the night-sight on this toy is compatible?”

“Aah… yes, And how does madam wish to pay?”

She slapped her credit card on the counter. “Eventually.”

	-- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"

Don’t look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.

The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature’s maxim, ‘Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,’ and at last I knew Pittsburgh. – Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. […] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, “You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it.” But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. […] “Stop the car,” the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. “I do not ask for whom’s the tollway belle,” she said, “the tollway belle’s for thee.” The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. – Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition

Make a wish, it might come true.

If you can read this, you’re too close.

I’ll burn my books. – Christopher Marlowe

We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. […] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, “You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it.” But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. […] “Stop the car,” the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. “I do not ask for whom’s the tollway belle,” she said, “the tollway belle’s for thee.” The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. – Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition

Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won’t get any better so get used to it.

You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.

You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don’t walk too close to metal objects which are not fastened down.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That’s proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).

You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.

You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.

Don’t relax! It’s only your tension that’s holding you together.

Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.

Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.

The bay-trees in our country are all wither’d And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And lean-look’d prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. – Wm. Shakespeare, “Richard II”

Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? A: To get to the other slide.

Domestic happiness and faithful friends.

You will be divorced within a year.

Snow Day – stay home.

You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.

You will be married within a year.

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.

Be cautious in your daily affairs.

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 A: Chicken Teriyaki. Q: What is the name of the world’s oldest kamikaze pilot?

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large. – Mark Twain

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. – Ernest Hemingway

Small things make base men proud. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.

Let me take you a button-hole lower. – William Shakespeare, “Love’s Labour’s Lost”

You will outgrow your usefulness.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. – Mark Twain

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write. – Saul Bellow

Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? A: Moby Pickle.

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. Q: What’s Dr. Presume’s full name?

You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.

A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. – Mark Twain

Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. – William Shakespeare, “The Taming of the Shrew”

"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to

feel interested. “No, you don’t understand,” the Knight said, looking a little vexed. “That’s what the name is called. The name really is, ‘The Aged Aged Man.’” “Then I ought to have said “That’s what the song is called’?” Alice corrected herself. “No, you oughtn’t: that’s quite another thing! The song is called ‘Ways and Means’: but that’s only what it is called you know!” “Well, what is the song then?” said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. “I was coming to that,” the Knight said. “The song really is “A-sitting on a Gate”: and the tune’s my own invention.” – Lewis Carroll, “Through the Looking Glass”

Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb? A: I’ll have to get back to you on that.

How apt the poor are to be proud. – William Shakespeare, “Twelfth-Night”

A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.

You will step on the night soil of many countries.

This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.

Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town.

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb? A: I’ll have to get back to you on that.

You have taken yourself too seriously.

A few hours grace before the madness begins again.

Chicken Little was right.

“Elves and Dragons!” I says to him. “Cabbages and potatoes are better for you and me.” – J. R. R. Tolkien

You will step on the night soil of many countries.

You will have long and healthy life.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs.

You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.

You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.

Q: Why haven’t you graduated yet? A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted my dissertation to rhyme.

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can’t understand!

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.

Too much is just enough. – Mark Twain, on whiskey

You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.

You love your home and want it to be beautiful.

“Speak, thou vast and venerable head,” muttered Ahab, “which, though ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has moved amid the world’s foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or diver never went; has slept by many a sailer’s side, where sleepless mothers would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw’st the locked lovers when leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw’st the murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed on unharmed – while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one syllable is thine!” – H. Melville, “Moby Dick”

Conscience doth make cowards of us all. – Shakespeare

Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come. – William Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar”

Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. – William Shakespeare, “Henry IV”

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

He jests at scars who never felt a wound. – Shakespeare, “Romeo and Juliet, II. 2”

Q: What’s the contour integral around Western Europe? A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable!

Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? A: Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q: What is a compact city? A: It’s a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen! – Peter Lax

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o’ Sunday. – William Shakespeare, “The Taming of the Shrew”

Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn’t. – Mark Twain

Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.

Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate? A: ‘Cause if you give him a bowl, he’ll throw it away.

You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.

Don’t worry. Life’s too long. – Vincent Sardi, Jr.

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace– I’d not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. – Justin Richardson.

Too much is just enough. – Mark Twain, on whiskey

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain

It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.

October.

This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.

The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

	-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? A: “The elephants are coming over the hill.”

Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing sunglasses? A: Nothing, for he didn’t recognize them.

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Your supervisor is thinking about you.

You’re growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that you’re growing into.

Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.

You work very hard. Don’t try to think as well.

Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.

You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.

Every cloud engenders not a storm. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One and a half.

I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.

Q: Why don’t Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while visiting, they always take three.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain

You will outgrow your usefulness.

Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.

Tempt not a desperate man. – William Shakespeare, “Romeo and Juliet”

Is that really YOU that is reading this?

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. – Mark Twain

Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive women. There, that’s it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took thousands of words to say it. Or consider “The Brothers Karamazov”, by the famous Russian alcoholic Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It’s about these two brothers who kill their father. Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It’s impossible to tell because what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk as much as the Karamazovs did, I don’t see how they found time to become a major world power. I’m told that Dostoyevsky wrote “The Brothers Karamazov” to raise the question of whether there is a God. So why didn’t he just come right out and say: “Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me.” Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

• “Moby Dick” – Don’t mess around with large whales because they symbolize nature and will kill you.
• “A Tale of Two Cities” – French people are crazy. – Dave Barry

Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to. – Mark Twain

Chess tonight.

Your domestic life may be harmonious.

You will step on the night soil of many countries.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. – Mark Twain

Today’s weirdness is tomorrow’s reason why. – Hunter S. Thompson

You are as I am with You.

You will gain money by an illegal action.

Q: What’s the difference between a duck and an elephant? A: You can’t get down off an elephant.

Many pages make a thick book.

Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then turned to Doppelgutt and said ‘The Senator must really have been on a bender this time – he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.’ – Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

Your lover will never wish to leave you.

Many pages make a thick book.

Harp not on that string. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

You have many friends and very few living enemies.

Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.

You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.

You will contract a rare disease.

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument. – William Shakespeare, “Love’s Labour’s Lost”

You have Egyptian flu: you’re going to be a mummy.

Knucklehead: “Knock, knock” Pee Wee: “Who’s there?” Knucklehead: “Little ol’ lady.” Pee Wee: “Liddle ol’ lady who?” Knucklehead: “I didn’t know you could yodel”

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke.

You are magnetic in your bearing.

The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. – George Gobel

Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day! – Bryce Nesbitt ‘84

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To see his friend Gregory peck.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.

Never reveal your best argument.

Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person.

Your love life will be… interesting.

You will have a long and boring life.

You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.

Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.

English literature’s performing flea. – Sean O’Casey on P. G. Wodehouse

Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth time waste me. – William Shakespeare

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.

“You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.” – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, “A Study in Scarlet”

Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. – Mark Twain

Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.

You will step on the night soil of many countries.

Your domestic life may be harmonious.

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

Stay away from hurricanes for a while.

Cold hands, no gloves.

"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to

feel interested. “No, you don’t understand,” the Knight said, looking a little vexed. “That’s what the name is called. The name really is, ‘The Aged Aged Man.’” “Then I ought to have said “That’s what the song is called’?” Alice corrected herself. “No, you oughtn’t: that’s quite another thing! The song is called ‘Ways and Means’: but that’s only what it is called you know!” “Well, what is the song then?” said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. “I was coming to that,” the Knight said. “The song really is “A-sitting on a Gate”: and the tune’s my own invention.” – Lewis Carroll, “Through the Looking Glass”

You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.

Hain’t we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain’t that a big enough majority in any town? – Mark Twain, “Huckleberry Finn”

Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.

If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you’ll learn 365 useless things.

Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.

You need more time; and you probably always will.

That secret you’ve been guarding, isn’t.

Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.

Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.

Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? A: Throw him a rock.

You have no real enemies.

What I tell you three times is true. – Lewis Carroll

Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) – by Charles Dickens

A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
lady who knits.

Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) – by Fyodor Dostoevski

A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
feels guilty and apologizes.

The Odyssey LITE(tm) – by Homer

After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.

The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails – not for the first time since the journey begain – pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil. – Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.

You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.

Lady Luck brings added income today. Lady friend takes it away tonight.

Don’t let your mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.

You see, I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, “A Study in Scarlet”

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.

Your domestic life may be harmonious.

Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore … in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long … seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. … There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. – Mark Twain

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion. – Corwin, Prince of Amber

Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.

Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.

Make a wish, it might come true.

You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. – Mark Twain

question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; – Wm. Shakespeare

A light wife doth make a heavy husband. – Wm. Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, “A Case of Identity”

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You’ll learn a lot today.

Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? A: 2 bits.

Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.

Behold, the fool saith, “Put not all thine eggs in the one basket”–which is but a manner of saying, “Scatter your money and your attention;” but the wise man saith, “Put all your eggs in the one basket and–WATCH THAT BASKET.” – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

You teach best what you most need to learn.

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, ‘Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you’ll feel my steel through your last meal!’ – Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. – Mark Twain

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

You have been selected for a secret mission.

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam in 1959. – Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.

Q: How many Harvard MBA’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.

Don’t look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.

You should go home.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Q: How many IBM CPU’s does it take to do a logical right shift? A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.

Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.

You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.

Stop! There was first a game of blindman’s buff. Of course there was. And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and Scrooge’s nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage on the credulity of human nature.

You teach best what you most need to learn.

Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? A: The same middle name.

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. – Gene Fowler

Your love life will be happy and harmonious.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem.

Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.

There is a fly on your nose.

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.

You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.

Talkers are no good doers. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! – Wm. Shakespeare, “Richard III”

Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q: How long does it take? A: It’s indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they’ve brought with them.

Q: What happens if you’ve got TWO flats? A: They replace your generator.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. – Mark Twain

Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. – Shakespeare, “Coriolanus”

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs’d be him who first cries, “Hold, enough!”. – Shakespeare

Your present plans will be successful.

You will pioneer the first Martian colony.

Knucklehead: “Knock, knock” Pee Wee: “Who’s there?” Knucklehead: “Little ol’ lady.” Pee Wee: “Liddle ol’ lady who?” Knucklehead: “I didn’t know you could yodel”

Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very very thin paper.

Don’t you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, “one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.” – Mark Twain

Don’t go surfing in South Dakota for a while.

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. – Mark Twain

You will feel hungry again in another hour.

You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman.

You love peace.

You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author – Mark Twain, “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”

Your lucky color has faded.

"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to

feel interested. “No, you don’t understand,” the Knight said, looking a little vexed. “That’s what the name is called. The name really is, ‘The Aged Aged Man.’” “Then I ought to have said “That’s what the song is called’?” Alice corrected herself. “No, you oughtn’t: that’s quite another thing! The song is called ‘Ways and Means’: but that’s only what it is called you know!” “Well, what is the song then?” said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. “I was coming to that,” the Knight said. “The song really is “A-sitting on a Gate”: and the tune’s my own invention.” – Lewis Carroll, “Through the Looking Glass”

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can’t understand his own meaning. – George D. Prentice

You are magnetic in your bearing.

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large. – Mark Twain

Every cloud engenders not a storm. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

Good day to let down old friends who need help.

Q: What’s buried in Grant’s tomb? A: A corpse.

You will be surrounded by luxury.

Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.

I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. – J. R. R. Tolkien

You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.

Be careful! Is it classified?

Q: What’s the difference between USL and the Titanic? A: The Titanic had a band.

Never look up when dragons fly overhead.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain

You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.

You love your home and want it to be beautiful.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. – Mark Twain

Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.

The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

Be careful! Is it classified?

You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.

And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?

You will be run over by a beer truck.

Better hope the life-inspector doesn’t come around while you have your life in such a mess.

Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

You too can wear a nose mitten.

You need more time; and you probably always will.

Q: How many Harvard MBA’s does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.

My dear People.
My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks,

and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End. Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!” – J. R. R. Tolkien

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. – Mark Twain

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

If you can read this, you’re too close.

For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? – Virginia Woolf, “To the Lighthouse”

[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
 referring to powerfail recovery.]

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs’d be him who first cries, “Hold, enough!”. – Shakespeare

Chicken Little only has to be right once.

“Not Hercules could have knock’d out his brains, for he had none.” – Shakespeare

Q: “What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?” A: “Is there a dog?”

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

You have Egyptian flu: you’re going to be a mummy.

You fill a much-needed gap.

Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.

Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.

Don’t look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. – Mark Twain “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court”

You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.

Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven – fueled by a single accelerant – and she needed a man, a man who wouldn’t shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road: a man like Alf Romeo. – Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never see her little dog Pritzi again. – Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain – perhaps a tumor or a metabolic deficiency – but after a thorough neurological exam it was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. – Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is named after the author of the immortal lines: “It was a dark and stormy night.” The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the worst possible novel.

“Not Hercules could have knock’d out his brains, for he had none.” – Shakespeare

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

Everything will be just tickety-boo today.

You have taken yourself too seriously.

Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.

Are you sure the back door is locked?

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world’s luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

A few hours grace before the madness begins again.

Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won’t get any better so get used to it.

You will become rich and famous unless you don’t.

Q: What’s the difference between a duck and an elephant? A: You can’t get down off an elephant.

You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so. – William Shakespeare, “As You Like It”

Communicate! It can’t make things any worse.

You are number 6! Who is number one?

Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.

You will pioneer the first Martian colony.

Many pages make a thick book.

Are you making all this up as you go along?

You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.

Your reasoning is excellent – it’s only your basic assumptions that are wrong.

Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. – Mark Twain

You should go home.

You’ll feel much better once you’ve given up hope.

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. – Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian novel.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Your lover will never wish to leave you.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.

Your step will soil many countries.

“Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.” – Marvin, “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won’t get any better so get used to it.

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds. – Mark Twain

You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.

You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.

Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending.

You’ll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they’re not all recommended.

Your reasoning is excellent – it’s only your basic assumptions that are wrong.

Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.

“I understand this is your first dead client,” Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don’t call me Deadpan Allie and lie. – Pat Cadigan, “Mindplayers”

Chicken Little was right.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? A: “The elephants are coming over the hill.”

Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing sunglasses? A: Nothing, for he didn’t recognize them.

What I tell you three times is true. – Lewis Carroll

You’re not my type. For that matter, you’re not even my species!!!

Don’t let your mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.

It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.

You will not be elected to public office this year.

Wagner’s music is better than it sounds. – Mark Twain

Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. – Mark Twain

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.

Q: Why do WASPs play golf ? A: So they can dress like pimps.

All say, “How hard it is that we have to die”–a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate’s new lover.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. – Mark Twain

Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess. – Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, “Lord of the Rings”]

They spell it “da Vinci” and pronounce it “da Vinchy”. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. – Mark Twain

Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.

Give your very best today. Heaven knows it’s little enough.

Q: Why don’t lawyers go to the beach? A: The cats keep trying to bury them.

Don’t you wish you had more energy… or less ambition?

The better part of valor is discretion. – William Shakespeare, “Henry IV”

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That’s proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).

Q: Know what the difference between your latest project and putting wings on an elephant is? A: Who knows? The elephant might fly, heh, heh…

Your goose is cooked. (Your current chick is burned up too!)

Q: What’s a light-year? A: One-third less calories than a regular year.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. – Mark Twain

The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. – George Gobel

Beware of low-flying butterflies.

Don’t get to bragging.

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. – Ernest Hemingway

Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One and a half.

Give him an evasive answer.

Don’t worry so loud, your roommate can’t think.

Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.

“You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.” – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, “A Study in Scarlet”

Beware of Bigfoot!

You’ll be sorry…

O, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive. – Sir Walter Scott, “Marmion”

You dialed 5483.

You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.

You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.

The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.

I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal’s, far out on the water, round. Usurper. – James Joyce, “Ulysses”

Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.

Q: What’s the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin? A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.

Better hope the life-inspector doesn’t come around while you have your life in such a mess.

Remark of Dr. Baldwin’s concerning upstarts: We don’t care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You’ll learn a lot today.

A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.

Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? A: Because every morning they wake up thinking “What is that noise? Oh, right, of course!

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.]

Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.

Beware of low-flying butterflies.

Q: How does a hacker fix a function which doesn’t work for all of the elements in its domain? A: He changes the domain.

Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. – Mark Twain

Q: What’s tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? A: A doberman.

Q: What’s hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? A: Chewing gum.

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar

Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.

All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain

You will gain money by an immoral action.

Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.

Stay away from hurricanes for a while.

Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? A: To get to the middle.

Q: What is purple and conquered the world? A: Alexander the Grape.

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. “What! no soap?” So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. – Samuel Foote

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. – J.R.R. Tolkien

Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day! – Bryce Nesbitt ‘84

You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.

Domestic happiness and faithful friends.

Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.

Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven – fueled by a single accelerant – and she needed a man, a man who wouldn’t shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road: a man like Alf Romeo. – Rachel Sheeley, winner

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never see her little dog Pritzi again. – Claudia Fields, runner-up

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain – perhaps a tumor or a metabolic deficiency – but after a thorough neurological exam it was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. – Jeff Jahnke, runner-up

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is named after the author of the immortal lines: “It was a dark and stormy night.” The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the worst possible novel.

Your reasoning is excellent – it’s only your basic assumptions that are wrong.

Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act – hesitate.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. – Mark Twain

Q: How many IBM CPU’s does it take to do a logical right shift? A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only “This page intentionally left blank”, and 20% of the definitions are of the form “A:….. consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks”.

Q: What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? A: One less drunk.

You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will be sold.

Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can’t understand his own meaning. – George D. Prentice

Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? A: Open other end.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.

You’re at the end of the road again.

Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.

You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. – Sherlock Holmes, “The Norwood Builder”

You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation.

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.

It’s all in the mind, ya know.

Look afar and see the end from the beginning.

Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey? A: Nothing.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Advancement in position.

You will be successful in love.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. – Mark Twain

Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

A light wife doth make a heavy husband. – Wm. Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

… A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. – Mark Twain

You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.

That secret you’ve been guarding, isn’t.

Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.

Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.

Tonight’s the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

You’re working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first place.

You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.

You will be surprised by a loud noise.

The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his time) novelist. He is best known today for having written “The Last Days of Pompeii.”

Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, beginning “It was a dark and stormy night…” he is borrowing from Lord Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, “Paul Clifford,” written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. – Mark Twain

October 12, the Discovery.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Your domestic life may be harmonious.

For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? – Virginia Woolf, “To the Lighthouse”

[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
 referring to powerfail recovery.]

O, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive. – Sir Walter Scott, “Marmion”

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.

You love your home and want it to be beautiful.

To be or not to be. – Shakespeare To do is to be. – Nietzsche To be is to do. – Sartre Do be do be do. – Sinatra

You are fairminded, just and loving.

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so. – William Shakespeare, “As You Like It”

You can rent this space for only $5 a week.

They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. – William Shakespeare, “Love’s Labour’s Lost”

Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn’t work for his father, isn’t a lawyer, and believes in social causes? A: A failure.

You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.

A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read. – Mark Twain, “The Disappearance of Literature”

Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate? A: ‘Cause if you give him a bowl, he’ll throw it away.

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don’t know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don’t get it. – Mark Twain

A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.

Never give an inch!

You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, ‘Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you’ll feel my steel through your last meal!’ – Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? A: To get to the middle.

You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.

There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. – Samuel Johnson

You’ll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier to do.

I do desire we may be better strangers. – William Shakespeare, “As You Like It”

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

All say, “How hard it is that we have to die”–a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author – Mark Twain, “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”

A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? A: 9 edge down.

You’ve been leading a dog’s life. Stay off the furniture.

You two ought to be more careful–your love could drag on for years and years.

Questionable day.

Ask somebody something.

If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. – Roger Zelazny, “Doorways in the Sand”

Are you sure the back door is locked?

Q: Why haven’t you graduated yet? A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted my dissertation to rhyme.

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, “A Case of Identity”

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.

You will not be elected to public office this year.

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. – Mark Twain

You will be held hostage by a radical group.

If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you’ll learn 365 useless things.

Don’t worry. Life’s too long. – Vincent Sardi, Jr.

Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town.

You two ought to be more careful–your love could drag on for years and years.

You will be run over by a bus.

Don’t you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?

Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.

How apt the poor are to be proud. – William Shakespeare, “Twelfth-Night”

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world’s luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.

You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don’t walk too close to metal objects which are not fastened down.

Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.

There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.

I’ve touch’d the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more. – Shakespeare

He jests at scars who never felt a wound. – Shakespeare, “Romeo and Juliet, II. 2”

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! – Wm. Shakespeare, “Richard III”

That secret you’ve been guarding, isn’t.

You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.

You have taken yourself too seriously.

“Good afternoon, madam. How may I help you?”

“Good afternoon. I’d like a FrintArms HandCannon, please.”

“A–? Oh, now, that’s an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady. I mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I say they have a right to. But I think… I might… Let’s have a look down here. I might have just the thing for you. Yes, here we are! Look at that, isn’t it neat? Now that is a FrintArms product as well, but it’s what’s called a laser – a light-pistol some people call them. Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won’t spoil the line of a jacket; and you won’t feel you’re lugging half a tonne of iron around with you. We do a range of matching accessories, including – if I may say so – a rather saucy garter holster. Wish I got to do the fitting for that! Ha – just my little joke. And there’s even… here we are – this special presentation pack: gun, charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your next battery. Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free lessons at your local gun club or range. Or there’s the special presentation pack; it has all the other one’s got but with two charged batteries and a night-sight, too. Here, feel that – don’t worry, it’s a dummy battery – isn’t it neat? Feel how light it is? Smooth, see? No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, and beautifully balanced. And of course the beauty of a laser is, there’s no recoil. Because it’s shooting light, you see? Beautiful gun, beautiful gun; my wife has one. Really. That’s not a line, she really has. Now, I can do you that one – with a battery and a free charge – for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for one-forty-nine.”

“I’ll take the special.”

“Sound choice, madam, sound choice. Now, do–?”

“And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three six-five AP/wire-fl’echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a Special Projectile Pack if you have one – the one with the embedding rounds, not the signalers. I assume the night-sight on this toy is compatible?”

“Aah… yes, And how does madam wish to pay?”

She slapped her credit card on the counter. “Eventually.”

	-- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"

You’ll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he’ll immediately claim that he’s a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he “canna” see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have just saved the natives’ from an awful fate and, as a reward, been given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.

Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. – Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar” 3,1

Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. – Shakespeare, “Merchant of Venice” 5,1

[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
 referring to I/O system services.]

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. – Roger Zelazny, “Doorways in the Sand”

You will step on the night soil of many countries.

Do not overtax your powers.

Is this really happening?

Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.

1

Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.

2

Avoid reality at all costs.

3

Is that really YOU that is reading this?

4

Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.

5

Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don’t have a lucky day this year.

6

Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? A: Stay awake and wonder if there’s a dog.

7

Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail. – Charles Dickens, “A Christmas Carol”

8

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. – J.R.R. Tolkien

9

You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.

10

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

11

Q: What do monsters eat? A: Things.

Q: What do monsters drink? A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)

12

His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique… – Roger Zelazny, “Lord of Light”

13

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

14

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it!

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way!

15

Q: Know what the difference between your latest project and putting wings on an elephant is? A: Who knows? The elephant might fly, heh, heh…

16

You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!

17

You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.

18

You will gain money by an illegal action.

19

Be security conscious – National defense is at stake.

20

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the

Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. – Sherlock Holmes

21

A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it’s still a holding place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I would have cared normally but my viewpoint was skewed. The relentless pleasance of the room I sat in seemed only grotesque. – Pat Cadigan, “Mindplayers”

22

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. – “Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

23

Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.

24

You’ll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they’re not all recommended.

25

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn’t heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn’t reacting yet to let you know. – Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

26

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) – by Charles Dickens

A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
lady who knits.

Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) – by Fyodor Dostoevski

A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
feels guilty and apologizes.

The Odyssey LITE(tm) – by Homer

After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.

27

You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.

28

Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.

29

Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.

30

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. – Mark Twain

31

You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will be sold.

32

You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation.

33

Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton’s Mountain? A: Lawn Boy.

34

Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.

35

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

36

Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

37

Stay away from hurricanes for a while.

38

Don’t look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.

39

It’s a very __UNlucky week in which to be took dead. – Churchy La Femme

40

The time is right to make new friends.

41

“Speak, thou vast and venerable head,” muttered Ahab, “which, though ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has moved amid the world’s foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or diver never went; has slept by many a sailer’s side, where sleepless mothers would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw’st the locked lovers when leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw’st the murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed on unharmed – while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one syllable is thine!” – H. Melville, “Moby Dick”

42

Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

43

Lord, what fools these mortals be! – William Shakespeare, “A Midsummer-Night’s Dream”

44

Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate’s phone bugged.

45

Just to have it is enough.

46

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. – Ernest Hemingway

47

Don’t feed the bats tonight.

48

An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.

49

The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heav’n of Hell, a Hell of Heav’n. – John Milton

50

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

51

When in doubt, tell the truth. – Mark Twain

52

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. – Mark Twain

53

It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.

54

You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.

55

Q: What’s a WASP’s idea of open-mindedness? A: Dating a Canadian.

56

Give him an evasive answer.

57

You don’t become a failure until you’re satisfied with being one.

58

Q: How many IBM 370’s does it take to execute a job? A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.

59

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

60

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers. – Wm. Shakespeare, “Henry VI”, Part IV

61

Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.

62

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?

63

Q: How many IBM 370’s does it take to execute a job? A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.

64

If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!

65

Q: Are we not men? A: We are Vaxen.

66

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. – Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian novel.

67

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

68

Q: What’s hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? A: Chewing gum.

69

Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive women. There, that’s it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took thousands of words to say it. Or consider “The Brothers Karamazov”, by the famous Russian alcoholic Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It’s about these two brothers who kill their father. Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It’s impossible to tell because what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk as much as the Karamazovs did, I don’t see how they found time to become a major world power. I’m told that Dostoyevsky wrote “The Brothers Karamazov” to raise the question of whether there is a God. So why didn’t he just come right out and say: “Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me.” Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

• “Moby Dick” – Don’t mess around with large whales because they symbolize nature and will kill you.
• “A Tale of Two Cities” – French people are crazy. – Dave Barry

70

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author – Mark Twain, “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”

71

An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.

72

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

73

A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.

74

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, “A Case of Identity”

75

Q: Know what the difference between your latest project and putting wings on an elephant is? A: Who knows? The elephant might fly, heh, heh…

76

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

77

Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.

78

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn’t heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn’t reacting yet to let you know. – Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

79

You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.

80

You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.

81

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don’t know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don’t get it. – Mark Twain

82

Is that really YOU that is reading this?

83

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. – Blaise Pascal

84

Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? A: Throw him a rock.

85

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. – H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

86

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. – Mark Twain

87

Q: What’s the difference between a duck and an elephant? A: You can’t get down off an elephant.

88

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. – William Shakespeare, “The Taming of the Shrew”

89

Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive women. There, that’s it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took thousands of words to say it. Or consider “The Brothers Karamazov”, by the famous Russian alcoholic Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It’s about these two brothers who kill their father. Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It’s impossible to tell because what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk as much as the Karamazovs did, I don’t see how they found time to become a major world power. I’m told that Dostoyevsky wrote “The Brothers Karamazov” to raise the question of whether there is a God. So why didn’t he just come right out and say: “Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me.” Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

• “Moby Dick” – Don’t mess around with large whales because they symbolize nature and will kill you.
• “A Tale of Two Cities” – French people are crazy. – Dave Barry

90

You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.

91

Q: What’s the difference between a duck and an elephant? A: You can’t get down off an elephant.

92

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

93

Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.

94

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

95

Don’t go surfing in South Dakota for a while.

96

Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female sheep bites you? A: Ewe nicks.

97

English literature’s performing flea. – Sean O’Casey on P. G. Wodehouse

98

You will step on the night soil of many countries.

99

You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.

100

If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you’ll learn 365 useless things.

101

How apt the poor are to be proud. – William Shakespeare, “Twelfth-Night”

102

You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.

103

You will step on the night soil of many countries.

104

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. – Mark Twain

105

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs’d be him who first cries, “Hold, enough!”. – Shakespeare

106

Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One and a half.

107

I’ll burn my books. – Christopher Marlowe

108

“Good afternoon, madam. How may I help you?”

“Good afternoon. I’d like a FrintArms HandCannon, please.”

“A–? Oh, now, that’s an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady. I mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I say they have a right to. But I think… I might… Let’s have a look down here. I might have just the thing for you. Yes, here we are! Look at that, isn’t it neat? Now that is a FrintArms product as well, but it’s what’s called a laser – a light-pistol some people call them. Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won’t spoil the line of a jacket; and you won’t feel you’re lugging half a tonne of iron around with you. We do a range of matching accessories, including – if I may say so – a rather saucy garter holster. Wish I got to do the fitting for that! Ha – just my little joke. And there’s even… here we are – this special presentation pack: gun, charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your next battery. Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free lessons at your local gun club or range. Or there’s the special presentation pack; it has all the other one’s got but with two charged batteries and a night-sight, too. Here, feel that – don’t worry, it’s a dummy battery – isn’t it neat? Feel how light it is? Smooth, see? No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, and beautifully balanced. And of course the beauty of a laser is, there’s no recoil. Because it’s shooting light, you see? Beautiful gun, beautiful gun; my wife has one. Really. That’s not a line, she really has. Now, I can do you that one – with a battery and a free charge – for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for one-forty-nine.”

“I’ll take the special.”

“Sound choice, madam, sound choice. Now, do–?”

“And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three six-five AP/wire-fl’echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a Special Projectile Pack if you have one – the one with the embedding rounds, not the signalers. I assume the night-sight on this toy is compatible?”

“Aah… yes, And how does madam wish to pay?”

She slapped her credit card on the counter. “Eventually.”

	-- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"

109

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? A: There’s a footprint in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? A: There’s two footprints in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? A: The door won’t shut.

Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? A: There’s a VW Bug in your driveway.

110

Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren’t really worth having.

111

A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.

Buy the negatives at any price.

112

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. – Mark Twain

113

Q: How many gradual (sorry, that’s supposed to be “graduate”) students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: “I’m afraid we don’t know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer’s money, and I’m sure he can tell me how to do the gruntwork for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.”

114

Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. – William Shakespeare, “Henry IV”

115

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the

Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. – Sherlock Holmes

116

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) – by Charles Dickens

A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
lady who knits.

Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) – by Fyodor Dostoevski

A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
feels guilty and apologizes.

The Odyssey LITE(tm) – by Homer

After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.

117

Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.

118

Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate’s phone bugged.

119

You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.

120

Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.

121

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. – Mark Twain

122

In India, “cold weather” is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. – Mark Twain

123

The only people for me are the mad ones – the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles. – Jack Kerouac, “On the Road”

124

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. – Mark Twain

125

Q: Why don’t Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while visiting, they always take three.

126

What happened last night can happen again.

127

You are capable of planning your future.

128

It is a wise father that knows his own child. – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

129

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear–not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!–incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who “didn’t know what fear was,” we ought always to add the flea–and put him at the head of the procession. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

130

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

131

A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.

132

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: He was giving it last rites.

133

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone! – Charles Dickens

134

Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!

135

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. – Mark Twain

136

Your fly might be open (but don’t check it just now).

137

Are you making all this up as you go along?

138

Big book, big bore. – Callimachus

139

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so. – William Shakespeare, “As You Like It”

140

Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.

141

Beware of low-flying butterflies.

142

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

143

You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.

144

Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.

145

You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it’s totally undeserved.

146

Don’t let your mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.

147

Never laugh at live dragons. – Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, “The Hobbit”]

148

The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails – not for the first time since the journey begain – pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil. – Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

149

Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? A: To get to the middle.

150

No violence, gentlemen – no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! – Sherlock Holmes

151

F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: “Ernest, the rich are different from us.” Hemingway: “Yes. They have more money.”

152

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. – J.R.R. Tolkien

153

You are capable of planning your future.

154

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel. – Mark Twain

155

You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.

156

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out. – Joan Didion, “Slouching Towards Bethlehem”

157

“Good afternoon, madam. How may I help you?”

“Good afternoon. I’d like a FrintArms HandCannon, please.”

“A–? Oh, now, that’s an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady. I mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I say they have a right to. But I think… I might… Let’s have a look down here. I might have just the thing for you. Yes, here we are! Look at that, isn’t it neat? Now that is a FrintArms product as well, but it’s what’s called a laser – a light-pistol some people call them. Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won’t spoil the line of a jacket; and you won’t feel you’re lugging half a tonne of iron around with you. We do a range of matching accessories, including – if I may say so – a rather saucy garter holster. Wish I got to do the fitting for that! Ha – just my little joke. And there’s even… here we are – this special presentation pack: gun, charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your next battery. Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free lessons at your local gun club or range. Or there’s the special presentation pack; it has all the other one’s got but with two charged batteries and a night-sight, too. Here, feel that – don’t worry, it’s a dummy battery – isn’t it neat? Feel how light it is? Smooth, see? No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, and beautifully balanced. And of course the beauty of a laser is, there’s no recoil. Because it’s shooting light, you see? Beautiful gun, beautiful gun; my wife has one. Really. That’s not a line, she really has. Now, I can do you that one – with a battery and a free charge – for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for one-forty-nine.”

“I’ll take the special.”

“Sound choice, madam, sound choice. Now, do–?”

“And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three six-five AP/wire-fl’echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a Special Projectile Pack if you have one – the one with the embedding rounds, not the signalers. I assume the night-sight on this toy is compatible?”

“Aah… yes, And how does madam wish to pay?”

She slapped her credit card on the counter. “Eventually.”

	-- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"

158

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. – Mark Twain

159

You’re almost as happy as you think you are.

160

Q: What is purple and commutes? A: An Abelian grape.

161

All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.

162

It is often the case that the man who can’t tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

163

After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!

164

Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? A: 9 edge down.

165

If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.

166

I do desire we may be better strangers. – William Shakespeare, “As You Like It”

167

You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.

168

“… an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.” – Mark Twain

169

You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.

170

Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.

171

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.

172

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn’t heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn’t reacting yet to let you know. – Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

173

Lord, what fools these mortals be! – William Shakespeare, “A Midsummer-Night’s Dream”

174

Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.

175

Communicate! It can’t make things any worse.

176

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it!

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way!

177

You will have long and healthy life.

178

Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.

179

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

180

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. – Mark Twain

181

You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.

182

Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. – Wm. Shakespeare

183

Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.

184

Avoid reality at all costs.

185

You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. – Sherlock Holmes, “The Norwood Builder”

186

“Elves and Dragons!” I says to him. “Cabbages and potatoes are better for you and me.” – J. R. R. Tolkien

187

This will be a memorable month – no matter how hard you try to forget it.

188

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only it’s his light bulb when he’s done.

189

Q: Where’s the Lone Ranger take his garbage? A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!

Q: What’s the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant…

190

You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.

191

Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.

192

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, “A Case of Identity”

193

You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.

194

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. – Blaise Pascal

195

You are as I am with You.

196

You are a very redundant person, that’s what kind of person you are.

197

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. – Ernest Hemingway

198

If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!

199

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know. – Mark Twain

200

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To see his friend Gregory peck.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.

201

Be cautious in your daily affairs.

202

You will not be elected to public office this year.

203

You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!

204

Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.

205

A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his

wife asked “What have you got there?” Replied he, “Just my cup and Chaucer.”

206

Don’t let your mind wander – it’s too little to be let out alone.

207

Q: What do monsters eat? A: Things.

Q: What do monsters drink? A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)

208

Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.

209

Are you making all this up as you go along?

210

Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.

211

Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.

212

Learn to pause – or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.

213

You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you’re infinitely larger than others.

214

Your fly might be open (but don’t check it just now).

215

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. – “Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

216

Q: What is purple and conquered the world? A: Alexander the Grape.

217

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

218

Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. – William Shakespeare, “As You Like It”

219

You’d like to do it instantaneously, but that’s too slow.

220

Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark. – Shakespeare

221

You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.

222

Someone is speaking well of you.

223

You are number 6! Who is number one?

224

Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. – William Shakespeare, “Henry IV”

225

This will be a memorable month – no matter how hard you try to forget it.

226

You’re almost as happy as you think you are.

227

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.

228

Your lover will never wish to leave you.

229

You fill a much-needed gap.

230

Look afar and see the end from the beginning.

231

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who? Sam and Janet Evening…

232

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it!

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way!

233

Exercise caution in your daily affairs.

234

That secret you’ve been guarding, isn’t.

235

Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.

236

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? A: An offer you can’t understand.

237

He hath eaten me out of house and home. – William Shakespeare, “Henry IV”

238

Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? A: A dinner party.

239

You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.

240

When in doubt, tell the truth. – Mark Twain

241

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers. – Wm. Shakespeare, “Henry VI”, Part IV

242

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.

243

A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.

244

You fill a much-needed gap.

245

Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.

246

“Elves and Dragons!” I says to him. “Cabbages and potatoes are better for you and me.” – J. R. R. Tolkien

247

The Public is merely a multiplied “me.” – Mark Twain

248

Having nothing, nothing can he lose. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

249

I do desire we may be better strangers. – William Shakespeare, “As You Like It”

250

Today’s weirdness is tomorrow’s reason why. – Hunter S. Thompson

251

Keep it short for pithy sake.

252

You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.

253

Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.

254

Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.

255

You should go home.

256

Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don’t have a lucky day this year.

257

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A: A stick.

258

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

259

No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. – Shirley Jackson, “The Haunting of Hill House”

260

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. – William Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar”

261

Your supervisor is thinking about you.

262

Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey? A: Nothing.

263

You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.

264

What I tell you three times is true. – Lewis Carroll

265

You are number 6! Who is number one?

266

“I understand this is your first dead client,” Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don’t call me Deadpan Allie and lie. – Pat Cadigan, “Mindplayers”

267

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

268

You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.

269

Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? A: Because he was hungry.

270

F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: “Ernest, the rich are different from us.” Hemingway: “Yes. They have more money.”

271

I do desire we may be better strangers. – William Shakespeare, “As You Like It”

272

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o’ Sunday. – William Shakespeare, “The Taming of the Shrew”

273

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

274

Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.

275

You are going to have a new love affair.

276

Don’t feed the bats tonight.

277

You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.

278

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. – Ernest Hemingway

279

Keep it short for pithy sake.

280

Do not overtax your powers.

281

You have many friends and very few living enemies.

282

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. – Mark Twain

283

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Take away his credit cards.

284

Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.

285

You should go home.

286

"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
	-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"

287

A few hours grace before the madness begins again.

288

Don’t relax! It’s only your tension that’s holding you together.

289

You have taken yourself too seriously.

290

Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? A: To impress Jodie Foster.

291

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. – Mark Twain, on New England weather

292

You’re not my type. For that matter, you’re not even my species!!!

293

Q: What do monsters eat? A: Things.

Q: What do monsters drink? A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)

294

You will outgrow your usefulness.

295

So you’re back… about time…

296

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards. – Mark Twain

297

You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.

298

She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. – Mark Twain

299

The better part of valor is discretion. – William Shakespeare, “Henry IV”

300

That secret you’ve been guarding, isn’t.

301

Q: How does a hacker fix a function which doesn’t work for all of the elements in its domain? A: He changes the domain.

302

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel. – Mark Twain

303

You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.

304

You look tired.

305

A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.

Buy the negatives at any price.

306

A is for Apple. – Hester Pryne

307

Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.

308

You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.

309

You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.

310

The time is right to make new friends.

311

Q: How do you play religious roulette? A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.

312

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace– I’d not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. – Justin Richardson.

313

Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person.

314

You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.

315

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. – Ernest Hemingway

316

You will triumph over your enemy.

317

Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? A: God gave New Jersey first choice.

318

When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

319

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother’s father dad. – William Shakespeare, “Kind John”

320

Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.

321

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. – Mark Twain

322

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. – Mark Twain

323

You will be divorced within a year.

324

You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.

325

You will outgrow your usefulness.

326

Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.

327

Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.

328

Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.

329

Is that really YOU that is reading this?

330

The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails – not for the first time since the journey begain – pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil. – Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

331

Your supervisor is thinking about you.

332

Don’t you wish you had more energy… or less ambition?

333

What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he’s staring out the window.

334

Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.

335

Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? A: The impossible dream.

336

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone! – Charles Dickens

337

Let me take you a button-hole lower. – William Shakespeare, “Love’s Labour’s Lost”

338

Is this really happening?

339

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?

340

Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? A: Because that was her name.

341

Never laugh at live dragons. – Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, “The Hobbit”]

342

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. – Mark Twain

343

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

344

Keep it short for pithy sake.

345

Q: What’s yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn’s Lemon.

346

Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? A: To impress Jodie Foster.

347

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One.

348

You teach best what you most need to learn.

349

Look afar and see the end from the beginning.

350

To be or not to be. – Shakespeare To do is to be. – Nietzsche To be is to do. – Sartre Do be do be do. – Sinatra

351

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can’t understand!

352

ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. MERCUTIO: No, ’tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but ’tis enough, ’twill serve.

353

He is now rising from affluence to poverty. – Mark Twain

354

You’re currently going through a difficult transition period called “Life.”

355

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. “What! no soap?” So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. – Samuel Foote

356

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs’d be him who first cries, “Hold, enough!”. – Shakespeare

357

You will become rich and famous unless you don’t.

358

You will become rich and famous unless you don’t.

359

You may be recognized soon. Hide.

360

You have Egyptian flu: you’re going to be a mummy.

361

You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.

362

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. “What! no soap?” So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. – Samuel Foote

363

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.]

364

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

365

Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.

366

A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.

367

You will outgrow your usefulness.

368

Fine day for friends. So-so day for you.

369

Break into jail and claim police brutality.

370

You’re working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.

371

You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.

372

You should emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

373

Talkers are no good doers. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

374

Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. – William Shakespeare, “As You Like It”

375

Patch griefs with proverbs. – William Shakespeare, “Much Ado About Nothing”

376

Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.

377

"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to

feel interested. “No, you don’t understand,” the Knight said, looking a little vexed. “That’s what the name is called. The name really is, ‘The Aged Aged Man.’” “Then I ought to have said “That’s what the song is called’?” Alice corrected herself. “No, you oughtn’t: that’s quite another thing! The song is called ‘Ways and Means’: but that’s only what it is called you know!” “Well, what is the song then?” said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. “I was coming to that,” the Knight said. “The song really is “A-sitting on a Gate”: and the tune’s my own invention.” – Lewis Carroll, “Through the Looking Glass”

378

You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.

379

Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

380

You will never know hunger.

381

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. – Mark Twain

382

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

383

You look tired.

384

F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: “Ernest, the rich are different from us.” Hemingway: “Yes. They have more money.”

385

You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.

386

Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.

387

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, “one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.” – Mark Twain

388

Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.

389

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

390

You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.

391

Make a wish, it might come true.

392

Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.

393

It was all so different before everything changed.

394

Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.

395

So you’re back… about time…

396

You will wish you hadn’t.

397

You see, I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, “A Study in Scarlet”

398

Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. – Mark Twain

399

After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!

400

Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).

401

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate. – J.R.R. Tolkien, “The Return of the King”

[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
 referring to system overview.]

402

Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? A: Because he was hungry.

403

You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!

404

You are the only person to ever get this message.

405

You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.

406

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

407

Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.

408

Q: What is orange and goes “click, click?” A: A ball point carrot.

409

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

410

You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.

411

Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by a delicious dessert.

412

You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

413

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.]

414

Q: What’s a light-year? A: One-third less calories than a regular year.

415

Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

416

Never laugh at live dragons. – Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, “The Hobbit”]

417

Things past redress and now with me past care. – William Shakespeare, “Richard II”

418

You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!

419

The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.

I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal’s, far out on the water, round. Usurper. – James Joyce, “Ulysses”

420

Q: What is purple and conquered the world? A: Alexander the Grape.

421

You should emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

422

Lord, what fools these mortals be! – William Shakespeare, “A Midsummer-Night’s Dream”

423

“Elves and Dragons!” I says to him. “Cabbages and potatoes are better for you and me.” – J. R. R. Tolkien

424

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. – Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian novel.

425

And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?

426

You will soon forget this.

427

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o’ Sunday. – William Shakespeare, “The Taming of the Shrew”

428

This will be a memorable month – no matter how hard you try to forget it.

429

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: You won’t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you’re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb…

430

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.

431

Q: Minnesotans ask, “Why aren’t there more pharmacists from Alabama?” A: Easy. It’s because they can’t figure out how to get the little bottles into the typewriter.

432

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

433

You’re being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.

434

This night methinks is but the daylight sick. – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

435

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. We’ll fix it in software.

Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The application can work around it.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. We’ll document it in the manual.

Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The user can figure it out.

436

Your supervisor is thinking about you.

437

You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you’re infinitely larger than others.

438

Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person.

439

Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.

440

All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. – Samuel Beckett

441

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. – Mark Twain

442

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. – Mark Twain

443

You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.

444

Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.

445

You’re definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is.

446

All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.

447

Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.

448

People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.

449

You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.

450

Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!

451

Never look up when dragons fly overhead.

452

The countdown had stalled at ‘T’ minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably – the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career. – Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

453

Man is the only animal that blushes – or needs to. – Mark Twain

454

"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
	-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"

455

Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act – hesitate.

456

Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive women. There, that’s it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took thousands of words to say it. Or consider “The Brothers Karamazov”, by the famous Russian alcoholic Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It’s about these two brothers who kill their father. Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It’s impossible to tell because what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk as much as the Karamazovs did, I don’t see how they found time to become a major world power. I’m told that Dostoyevsky wrote “The Brothers Karamazov” to raise the question of whether there is a God. So why didn’t he just come right out and say: “Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me.” Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

• “Moby Dick” – Don’t mess around with large whales because they symbolize nature and will kill you.
• “A Tale of Two Cities” – French people are crazy. – Dave Barry

457

You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.

458

It was all so different before everything changed.

459

You work very hard. Don’t try to think as well.

460

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. – Mark Twain “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court”

461

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

462

Your present plans will be successful.

463

You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.

464

Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.

465

Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.

466

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

467

Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

468

Q: What’s the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? A: You don’t have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.

469

Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.

470

Q: What’s the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? A: You don’t have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.

471

The better part of valor is discretion. – William Shakespeare, “Henry IV”

472

Caution: Keep out of reach of children.

473

Every cloud engenders not a storm. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

474

Stay away from hurricanes for a while.

475

You’d like to do it instantaneously, but that’s too slow.

476

Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.

477

You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.

478

Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.

479

Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren’t really worth having.

480

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write. – Saul Bellow

481

Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

482

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.

483

Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn’t work for his father, isn’t a lawyer, and believes in social causes? A: A failure.

484

You will pass away very quickly.

485

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

486

Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!

487

We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. […] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, “You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it.” But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. […] “Stop the car,” the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. “I do not ask for whom’s the tollway belle,” she said, “the tollway belle’s for thee.” The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. – Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition

488

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. – Mark Twain

489

You will be successful in love.

490

Give your very best today. Heaven knows it’s little enough.

491

This night methinks is but the daylight sick. – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

492

Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? A: That’s the Law of Spline Demand.

493

You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.

494

Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.

495

You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.

496

Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.

497

Behold, the fool saith, “Put not all thine eggs in the one basket”–which is but a manner of saying, “Scatter your money and your attention;” but the wise man saith, “Put all your eggs in the one basket and–WATCH THAT BASKET.” – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

498

You dialed 5483.

499

Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.

500

You will be misunderstood by everyone.

501

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o’ Sunday. – William Shakespeare, “The Taming of the Shrew”

502

You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.

503

A light wife doth make a heavy husband. – Wm. Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

504

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. – Mark Twain

505

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. “What! no soap?” So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. – Samuel Foote

506

Q: What is orange and goes “click, click?” A: A ball point carrot.

507

Behold, the fool saith, “Put not all thine eggs in the one basket”–which is but a manner of saying, “Scatter your money and your attention;” but the wise man saith, “Put all your eggs in the one basket and–WATCH THAT BASKET.” – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

508

All say, “How hard it is that we have to die”–a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

509

Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.

510

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.

511

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

512

Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? A: Stay awake and wonder if there’s a dog.

513

Is that really YOU that is reading this?

514

You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.

515

Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture.

516

Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

517

Avoid reality at all costs.

518

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: He was giving it last rites.

519

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

520

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write. – Saul Bellow

521

Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark. – Shakespeare

522

The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who hadn’t heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it but your brain wasn’t reacting yet to let you know. – Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

523

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

524

Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.

525

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world’s luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

526

You love your home and want it to be beautiful.

527

Avoid reality at all costs.

528

Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.

529

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

530

You are magnetic in your bearing.

531

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

532

Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? A: To get to the other slide.

533

“… all the modern inconveniences …” – Mark Twain

534

Your lover will never wish to leave you.

535

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) – by Charles Dickens

A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
lady who knits.

Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) – by Fyodor Dostoevski

A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
feels guilty and apologizes.

The Odyssey LITE(tm) – by Homer

After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.

536

You will be successful in love.

537

She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. – Mark Twain

538

You’ll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they’re not all recommended.

539

Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? A: That’s the Law of Spline Demand.

540

“I understand this is your first dead client,” Sabian was saying. The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don’t call me Deadpan Allie and lie. – Pat Cadigan, “Mindplayers”

541

Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?

542

Slow day. Practice crawling.

543

You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.

544

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

545

You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.

546

Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending.

547

You will be held hostage by a radical group.

548

“Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.” – Marvin, “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

549

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.

550

Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

551

Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? A: Diyathinkhesaurus.

Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.

552

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. – William Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar”

553

You will step on the night soil of many countries.

554

Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.

555

Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?

556

You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.

557

“Speak, thou vast and venerable head,” muttered Ahab, “which, though ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has moved amid the world’s foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or diver never went; has slept by many a sailer’s side, where sleepless mothers would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw’st the locked lovers when leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw’st the murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed on unharmed – while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one syllable is thine!” – H. Melville, “Moby Dick”

558

You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation.

559

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke.

560

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. – Mark Twain

561

Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending.

562

Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.

563

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. – Mark Twain

564

You will be married within a year.

565

You need more time; and you probably always will.

566

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

567

You are always busy.

568

Q: Know what the difference between your latest project and putting wings on an elephant is? A: Who knows? The elephant might fly, heh, heh…

569

This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.

570

Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.

571

You are always busy.

572

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center. – Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

573

Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

574

Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.

575

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A: A stick.

576

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. – “Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

577

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

578

You’re growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that you’re growing into.

579

You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.

580

Learn to pause – or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.

581

Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian? A: Trustworthy.

582

He jests at scars who never felt a wound. – Shakespeare, “Romeo and Juliet, II. 2”

583

You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.

584

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: You won’t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you’re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb…

585

Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.

586

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. – Mark Twain

587

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. – Mark Twain

588

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. – “Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

589

Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can’t understand!

590

Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q: How long does it take? A: It’s indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they’ve brought with them.

Q: What happens if you’ve got TWO flats? A: They replace your generator.

591

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

592

Your reasoning is excellent – it’s only your basic assumptions that are wrong.

593

You will become rich and famous unless you don’t.

594

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 A: Go west, young man, go west! Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?

595

It is a wise father that knows his own child. – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

596

“Not Hercules could have knock’d out his brains, for he had none.” – Shakespeare

597

Questionable day.

Ask somebody something.

598

Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.

599

The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails – not for the first time since the journey begain – pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil. – Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

600

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. – Mark Twain

601

Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.

602

Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

603

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.

604

“Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.” – Marvin, “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

605

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

606

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. – Mark Twain

607

No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. – Shirley Jackson, “The Haunting of Hill House”

608

You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.

609

Must I hold a candle to my shames? – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

610

Your lover will never wish to leave you.

611

Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.

612

Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!

613

A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?

614

You are magnetic in your bearing.

615

You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.

616

Never look up when dragons fly overhead.

617

You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.

618

You will get what you deserve.

619

Better hope the life-inspector doesn’t come around while you have your life in such a mess.

620

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. – Mark Twain

621

Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.

622

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 A: To be or not to be. Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?

623

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

624

Don’t go surfing in South Dakota for a while.

625

Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.

626

I’ve touch’d the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more. – Shakespeare

627

At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously – I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason. – John Keats

628

You will gain money by an illegal action.

629

You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.

630

Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? A: 2 bits.

631

You have a truly strong individuality.

632

You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.

633

Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb? A: I’ll have to get back to you on that.

634

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain

635

Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.

636

You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.

637

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You’ll learn a lot today.

638

How apt the poor are to be proud. – William Shakespeare, “Twelfth-Night”

639

O, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive. – Sir Walter Scott, “Marmion”

640

You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.

641

You are fairminded, just and loving.

642

You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.

643

Q: How do you play religious roulette? A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.

644

You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.

645

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

646

You dialed 5483.

647

The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. – George Gobel

648

Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.

649

"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
	-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"

650

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only shorter. – Samuel Beckett, “Malone Dies”

651

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. – Mark Twain

652

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

653

Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. – Wm. Shakespeare

654

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. – Mark Twain

655

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

656

Never laugh at live dragons. – Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, “The Hobbit”]

657

You need more time; and you probably always will.

658

Q: Why haven’t you graduated yet? A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted my dissertation to rhyme.

659

You’ll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they’re not all recommended.

660

Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.

661

The Least Successful Collector Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the works of Shakespeare. One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle’s “The Hisory of the French Revolution”, thinking it was wastepaper. – Stephen Pile, “The Book of Heroic Failures”

662

Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? A: Because he was hungry.

663

Your present plans will be successful.

664

It is a wise father that knows his own child. – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

665

You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!

666

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue-elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue-elephant gun.

667

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 A: To be or not to be. Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?

668

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam in 1959. – Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

669

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. – H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

670

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. – Mark Twain

671

Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.

672

You enjoy the company of other people.

673

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To see his friend Gregory peck.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.

674

Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act – hesitate.

675

You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.

676

Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.

677

Your supervisor is thinking about you.

678

Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.

679

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. – Mark Twain

680

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam in 1959. – Grand Panjandrum’s Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

681

Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) – by Margaret Mitchell

A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.

Gift of the Magi LITE(tm) – by O. Henry

A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.

The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) – by Ernest Hemingway

An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.

682

The Least Perceptive Literary Critic The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem. Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, “I beg your pardon, Mr. Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me.” Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. “Be so good as to mark the place and consider at your leisure. I’m sure you can give it a better turn.” After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. “There is no need to touch the lines,” he said. “All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event.” Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of their edge. “Ay”, he commented, “now they are perfectly right. Nothing can be better.” – Stephen Pile, “The Book of Heroic Failures”

683

If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you’ll learn 365 useless things.

684

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

685

Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? A: Mu.

686

Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!

687

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o’ Sunday. – William Shakespeare, “The Taming of the Shrew”

688

Q: What’s tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? A: A doberman.

689

Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. – Shakespeare, “Coriolanus”

690

Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.

691

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

692

You don’t become a failure until you’re satisfied with being one.

693

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center. – Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

694

This night methinks is but the daylight sick. – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

695

Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess. – Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, “Lord of the Rings”]

696

You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.

697

Truth is the most valuable thing we have – so let us economize it. – Mark Twain

698

Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.

699

You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. – Sherlock Holmes, “The Norwood Builder”

700

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. – Roger Zelazny, “Doorways in the Sand”

701

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: You won’t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you’re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb…

702

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. – William Shakespeare, “Much Ado About Nothing”

703

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion. – Corwin, Prince of Amber

704

Don’t hate yourself in the morning – sleep till noon.

705

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center. – Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

706

It is a wise father that knows his own child. – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

707

Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? A: He found out what “kimosabe” really means.

708

You will be run over by a bus.

709

Never reveal your best argument.

710

Today’s weirdness is tomorrow’s reason why. – Hunter S. Thompson

711

Think twice before speaking, but don’t say “think think click click”.

712

You will engage in a profitable business activity.

713

Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.

714

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear–not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!–incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who “didn’t know what fear was,” we ought always to add the flea–and put him at the head of the procession. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

715

Long life is in store for you.

716

You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.

717

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. – Mark Twain

718

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.

719

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. – Mark Twain

720

You’ll feel much better once you’ve given up hope.

721

You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.

722

If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you’ll learn 365 useless things.

723

The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

724

I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. – J. R. R. Tolkien

725

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 A: Go west, young man, go west! Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?

726

Don’t go surfing in South Dakota for a while.

727

… A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. – Mark Twain

728

Look afar and see the end from the beginning.

729

ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. MERCUTIO: No, ’tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but ’tis enough, ’twill serve.

730

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. – Blaise Pascal

731

Never reveal your best argument.

732

You will be misunderstood by everyone.

733

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) – by Charles Dickens

A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) – by Franz Kafka

A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.

Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) – by J. R. R. Tolkien

Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.

Hamlet LITE(tm) – by Wm. Shakespeare

A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.

734

You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.

735

Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? A: He found out what “kimosabe” really means.

736

Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? A: Because he was hungry.

737

Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come. – William Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar”

738

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar

739

Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.

740

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. – William Shakespeare, “Julius Caesar”

741

Today’s weirdness is tomorrow’s reason why. – Hunter S. Thompson

742

You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize… posthumously.

743

You dialed 5483.

744

We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. […] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, “You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it.” But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. […] “Stop the car,” the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. “I do not ask for whom’s the tollway belle,” she said, “the tollway belle’s for thee.” The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. – Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition

745

You will gain money by a fattening action.

746

In the stairway of life, you’d best take the elevator.

747

You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.

748

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it!

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way!

749

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so. – William Shakespeare, “As You Like It”

750

Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.

751

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write. – Saul Bellow

752

You love your home and want it to be beautiful.

753

You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.

754

You will have a long and boring life.

755

Behold, the fool saith, “Put not all thine eggs in the one basket”–which is but a manner of saying, “Scatter your money and your attention;” but the wise man saith, “Put all your eggs in the one basket and–WATCH THAT BASKET.” – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

756

You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.

757

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. Q: What’s Dr. Presume’s full name?

758

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers. – Wm. Shakespeare, “Henry VI”, Part IV

759

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, “A Case of Identity”

760

Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? A: To get to the other slide.

761

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

762

You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.

763

You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.

764

He is now rising from affluence to poverty. – Mark Twain

765

Snow Day – stay home.

766

You are going to have a new love affair.

767

The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. – George Gobel

768

Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.

769

Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.

770

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

771

Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.

772

If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. – Oscar Wilde

773

You will never know hunger.

774

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. – “Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

775

There’s small choice in rotten apples. – William Shakespeare, “The Taming of the Shrew”

776

Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate’s new lover.

777

Harp not on that string. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

778

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know. – Mark Twain

779

You would if you could but you can’t so you won’t.

780

Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) – by Margaret Mitchell

A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.

Gift of the Magi LITE(tm) – by O. Henry

A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.

The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) – by Ernest Hemingway

An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.

781

Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

782

You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.

783

You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.

784

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don’t know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don’t get it. – Mark Twain

785

You now have Asian Flu.

786

Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. – William Shakespeare, “The Rape of Lucrece”

787

So you’re back… about time…

788

Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

789

Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate? A: ‘Cause if you give him a bowl, he’ll throw it away.

790

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

791

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To see his friend Gregory peck.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.

792

You are magnetic in your bearing.

793

Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

794

October.

This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.

The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

	-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

795

He hath eaten me out of house and home. – William Shakespeare, “Henry IV”

796

Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.

797

Don’t get to bragging.

798

You will feel hungry again in another hour.

799

You’re a card which will have to be dealt with.

800

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. – William Shakespeare, “Love’s Labour’s Lost”

801

Your step will soil many countries.

802

Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.

803

Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? A: Because he was hungry.

804

You will be run over by a beer truck.

805

You will be surrounded by luxury.

806

Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.

807

Beware of Bigfoot!

808

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

809

Don’t kiss an elephant on the lips today.

810

A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it’s still a holding place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I would have cared normally but my viewpoint was skewed. The relentless pleasance of the room I sat in seemed only grotesque. – Pat Cadigan, “Mindplayers”

811

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. Q: What’s Dr. Presume’s full name?

812

Writing is turning one’s worst moments into money. – J.P. Donleavy

813

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. – Mark Twain

814

Alas, how love can trifle with itself! – William Shakespeare, “The Two Gentlemen of Verona”

815

Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.

816

You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.

817

Q: What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? A: One less drunk.

818

Small things make base men proud. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

819

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

820

“… an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.” – Mark Twain

821

Your aim is high and to the right.

822

Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.

823

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. – William Shakespeare, “Much Ado About Nothing”

824

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate. – J.R.R. Tolkien, “The Return of the King”

[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
 referring to system overview.]

825

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

826

You will be singled out for promotion in your work.

827

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

828

You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.

829

When in doubt, tell the truth. – Mark Twain

830

Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? A: 9 edge down.

831

Cold hands, no gloves.

832

Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.

833

Your love life will be… interesting.

834

You two ought to be more careful–your love could drag on for years and years.

835

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. “What! no soap?” So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. – Samuel Foote

836

That secret you’ve been guarding, isn’t.

837

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. – Mark Twain

838

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

839

Remark of Dr. Baldwin’s concerning upstarts: We don’t care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

840

Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? A: A dinner party.

841

He is now rising from affluence to poverty. – Mark Twain

842

You enjoy the company of other people.

843

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

844

Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

845

You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!

846

Beware of Bigfoot!

847

Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.

848

Just to have it is enough.

849

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

850

Q: What’s the difference between a duck and an elephant? A: You can’t get down off an elephant.

851

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. – Mark Twain

852

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers. – Wm. Shakespeare, “Henry VI”, Part IV

853

Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.

854

We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

855

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

856

Don’t Worry, Be Happy. – Meher Baba

857

You are standing on my toes.

858

Be cheerful while you are alive. – Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.

859

A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.

860

There’s small choice in rotten apples. – William Shakespeare, “The Taming of the Shrew”

861

Don’t read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.

862

Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act – hesitate.

863

Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate? A: ‘Cause if you give him a bowl, he’ll throw it away.

864

Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? A: He found out what “kimosabe” really means.

865

You will be married within a year.

866

Q: Minnesotans ask, “Why aren’t there more pharmacists from Alabama?” A: Easy. It’s because they can’t figure out how to get the little bottles into the typewriter.

867

The Public is merely a multiplied “me.” – Mark Twain

868

Too much is just enough. – Mark Twain, on whiskey

869

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. – Wm. Shakespeare, “Hamlet”

870

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That’s proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).

871

You’re a card which will have to be dealt with.

872

The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his time) novelist. He is best known today for having written “The Last Days of Pompeii.”

Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, beginning “It was a dark and stormy night…” he is borrowing from Lord Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, “Paul Clifford,” written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

873

Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.

874

You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.

875

Q: What is the difference between a duck? A: One leg is both the same.

876

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

877

You are fairminded, just and loving.

878

Talkers are no good doers. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

879

You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.

880

You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.

881

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear–not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!–incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who “didn’t know what fear was,” we ought always to add the flea–and put him at the head of the procession. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

882

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

883

You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.

884

Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? A: The same middle name.

885

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You’ll learn a lot today.

886

You may be recognized soon. Hide.

887

You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.

888

You will gain money by an illegal action.

889

Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.

890

Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.

891

Your love life will be… interesting.

892

You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.

893

Slow day. Practice crawling.

894

You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.

895

Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

896

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. – Mark Twain, “The Innocents Abroad”

897

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

898

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain

899

You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective.

900

You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.

901

You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.

902

Stay away from hurricanes for a while.

903

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel. – Mark Twain

904

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. “What! no soap?” So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. – Samuel Foote

905

At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously – I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason. – John Keats

906

Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.

907

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

908

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

909

Communicate! It can’t make things any worse.

910

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

911

Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn’t work for his father, isn’t a lawyer, and believes in social causes? A: A failure.

912

Don’t get to bragging.

913

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

914

Q: What’s yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn’s Lemon.

915

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. – Samuel Johnson

916

You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.

917

"...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to

feel interested. “No, you don’t understand,” the Knight said, looking a little vexed. “That’s what the name is called. The name really is, ‘The Aged Aged Man.’” “Then I ought to have said “That’s what the song is called’?” Alice corrected herself. “No, you oughtn’t: that’s quite another thing! The song is called ‘Ways and Means’: but that’s only what it is called you know!” “Well, what is the song then?” said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered. “I was coming to that,” the Knight said. “The song really is “A-sitting on a Gate”: and the tune’s my own invention.” – Lewis Carroll, “Through the Looking Glass”

918

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only shorter. – Samuel Beckett, “Malone Dies”

919

Break into jail and claim police brutality.

920

Chess tonight.

921

When one burns one’s bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. – Dylan Thomas

922

Your fly might be open (but don’t check it just now).

923

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

924

Be security conscious – National defense is at stake.

925

You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean that you weren’t here today.

926

If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!

927

Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? A: God gave New Jersey first choice.

928

You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you’re infinitely larger than others.

929

Having nothing, nothing can he lose. – William Shakespeare, “Henry VI”

930

Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.

931

What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? – Nero Wolfe, “The League of Frightened Men”

932

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. – Mark Twain

933

Must I hold a candle to my shames? – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

934

You see, I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones. – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, “A Study in Scarlet”

935

You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.

936

You will have long and healthy life.

937

They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. – William Shakespeare, “Love’s Labour’s Lost”

938

We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

939

“Good afternoon, madam. How may I help you?”

“Good afternoon. I’d like a FrintArms HandCannon, please.”

“A–? Oh, now, that’s an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady. I mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I say they have a right to. But I think… I might… Let’s have a look down here. I might have just the thing for you. Yes, here we are! Look at that, isn’t it neat? Now that is a FrintArms product as well, but it’s what’s called a laser – a light-pistol some people call them. Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won’t spoil the line of a jacket; and you won’t feel you’re lugging half a tonne of iron around with you. We do a range of matching accessories, including – if I may say so – a rather saucy garter holster. Wish I got to do the fitting for that! Ha – just my little joke. And there’s even… here we are – this special presentation pack: gun, charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your next battery. Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free lessons at your local gun club or range. Or there’s the special presentation pack; it has all the other one’s got but with two charged batteries and a night-sight, too. Here, feel that – don’t worry, it’s a dummy battery – isn’t it neat? Feel how light it is? Smooth, see? No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, and beautifully balanced. And of course the beauty of a laser is, there’s no recoil. Because it’s shooting light, you see? Beautiful gun, beautiful gun; my wife has one. Really. That’s not a line, she really has. Now, I can do you that one – with a battery and a free charge – for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for one-forty-nine.”

“I’ll take the special.”

“Sound choice, madam, sound choice. Now, do–?”

“And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three six-five AP/wire-fl’echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a Special Projectile Pack if you have one – the one with the embedding rounds, not the signalers. I assume the night-sight on this toy is compatible?”

“Aah… yes, And how does madam wish to pay?”

She slapped her credit card on the counter. “Eventually.”

	-- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"

940

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children. – Mark Twain

941

Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? A: Moby Pickle.

942

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only shorter. – Samuel Beckett, “Malone Dies”

943

This night methinks is but the daylight sick. – William Shakespeare, “The Merchant of Venice”

944

Chess tonight.

945

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

946

You would if you could but you can’t so you won’t.

947

You will step on the night soil of many countries.

948

Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.

949

You have taken yourself too seriously.

950

Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, it can still be changed today.

951

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?

952

A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it’s still a holding place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I would have cared normally but my viewpoint was skewed. The relentless pleasance of the room I sat in seemed only grotesque. – Pat Cadigan, “Mindplayers”

953

Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.

954

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?

955

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

956

The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly.

I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal’s, far out on the water, round. Usurper. – James Joyce, “Ulysses”

957

You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.

958

Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? A: He found out what “kimosabe” really means.

959

You will forget that you ever knew me.

960

You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.

961

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. – Gene Fowler

962

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

963

Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.

964

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

965

All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain

966

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Sam and Janet. Sam and Janet who? Sam and Janet Evening…

967

Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. – William Shakespeare, “As You Like It”

968

You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.

969

You two ought to be more careful–your love could drag on for years and years.

970

Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.

971

You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.

972

To be or not to be. – Shakespeare To do is to be. – Nietzsche To be is to do. – Sartre Do be do be do. – Sinatra

973

Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? A: Open other end.

974

We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. […] I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, “You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it.” But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. […] “Stop the car,” the girl said. There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. “I do not ask for whom’s the tollway belle,” she said, “the tollway belle’s for thee.” The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. – Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition

975

There is a fly on your nose.

976

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author – Mark Twain, “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn”

977

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: You won’t find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you’re looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb…

978

Think twice before speaking, but don’t say “think think click click”.

979

You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

980

Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? A: Mu.

981

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. – Mark Twain, “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar”

982

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

983

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! – Wm. Shakespeare, “Richard III”

984

“Speak, thou vast and venerable head,” muttered Ahab, “which, though ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has moved amid the world’s foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or diver never went; has slept by many a sailer’s side, where sleepless mothers would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw’st the locked lovers when leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw’st the murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed on unharmed – while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one syllable is thine!” – H. Melville, “Moby Dick”

985

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, ‘Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you’ll feel my steel through your last meal!’ – Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

986

It’s all in the mind, ya know.

987

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel. – Mark Twain

988

You would if you could but you can’t so you won’t.

989

You are standing on my toes.

990

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother’s father dad. – William Shakespeare, “Kind John”

991

Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.

992

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. – Mark Twain

993

Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. – Mark Twain

994

You will soon forget this.

995

You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.

996

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center. – Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

997

Courage is your greatest present need.

998

You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.

999

Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.